Sunday, October 7, 2012

MAXINE, A WOMAN WITH AN ATTITUDE

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, 
nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying 
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread 
because I can only imagine 
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands 
with someone who has been driving 
because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because
 I can only 
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag 
for fear she has placed it on 
the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks 
for the email about rat poo 
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with 
every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, 
now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar
 because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub 
full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC 
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant 
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants 
even though I smell like a 
water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you 
I have learned that my prayers only get answered 
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , 
I no longer drink Coca Cola because 
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy 
fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, 
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap 
in the microwave because it causes 
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know 
I can't boil a cup of water 
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring 
me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema 
because I could be pricked with a 
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers 
because someone will drug 
me with a perfume sample and rob me..

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask 
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to 
Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you 
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a 
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant 
death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice 
I can't ever pick up a 
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed 
there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening 
because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the 
Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

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