Sunday, December 29, 2013

A GOLF JOKE


    Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
    One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
    His wife was standing there watching him.
    After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we
    are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
    Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
    She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
    ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
    "Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
    ”I wasn't!“
 

Sunday, December 22, 2013

WHO IS THE WEALTHY ONE?

One day a very wealthy father took his son on a trip to the country for
the sole purpose of showing his son how it was to be poor.

>They Spent a few days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

>After their return from the trip, the father asked his son how he liked the trip.

>"It was great, Dad," the son replied. 

>"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.  

>"Oh Yeah," said the son.  

>"So to what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.  

>The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. 

>We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. 

>We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. 

>Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

>We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. 

>We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. 

>We buy our food, but they grow theirs. 

>We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

>The boy's father was speechless. 

>Then his son added, "It showed me how poor we are." 

>Too many times we forget what we have and concentrate on what we don't have. 

>What is one person's worthless object is another's prize possession.

>It is all based on one's perspective. Makes you wonder what would happen if we all 
gave thanks to God for all the bounty we have been provided by Him, instead of worrying 
about wanting more. 

>Take joy in all He has given each and every one of us, especially rejoice in our friends.

 

Thursday, December 19, 2013

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to 
be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God..'


You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing 

the 10 Commandments posted in public places. 
You might be a redneck if: You still say ' Christmas' 
instead of 'Winter Festival.'
 

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when 
someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your 
hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem
 
You might be a redneck if:You treat our armed forces 
veterans with great respect, and always have.
 
You might be a redneck if:You've never burned an 
American flag, nor intend to.


You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe 
and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
 

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and 
raised your kids to do the same.
 
Some of you are so old you don't have elders to respect.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to
a friend.
 
You might be a redneck if: You believe in God & Jesus
and believe that others have the right to believe
differently as long as their God does not
tell them to kill anyone who does not believe the same
as they do!!!!! 

Sunday, December 15, 2013

IS IT RACISM?

Oprah Winfrey was quoted this week saying that the reason President Obama's popularity has plummeted is because of, "RACISM!" She continued, "There is a level of disrespect for the office that occurs because he's African-American. It's the kind of thing that nobody ever says but everyone is thinking it." She added that older people "marinated" in bigotry "may have to die" before America's racism ends.

I couldn't help but wonder why she pulled out the race card on this one. She uses it on a regular basis, but I'm surprised at this one. If racism was the reason his approval rating is so low, how did he get elected and reelected in the first place? If we are stooping to this kind of logic, shouldn't Romney, who lost the election to Obama be declaring racism? All of the last 8 presidents before Obama sank to a lower approval rating than Obama's rating right now. Doesn't that mean that Obama is accorded more respect than presidents who were white?

I'm so old-fashioned and out-of-touch, I don't understand much of things going on in this world. I am pleading with all of you out there who visit my website, and there are thousands of you, to place your comments at the bottom of this blog. I have seen many African-Americans speak out against Obama, does that make them racists?

I have two questions: Is Oprah a racist against whites? And is Obama doing a great job as our president?

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

THE DRUNK AND THE PRIEST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, 
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says
              nothing.



 The Priest coughs a few times to get his 
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there. 
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 



The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, 
there's no paper on this side either!"

 

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

A MALE FAIRY TALE

 
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
 
The end
 
 

Monday, December 2, 2013

CURE FOR ANGER

Cure for Anger
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

Monday, November 25, 2013

THE "BACK NINE" OF MY LIFE

You know. . . Time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is... The “back nine” of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that “I was only on the first hole” and the “back nine” was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting grey...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the “back nine”, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...it's over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if you're not on the “back nine” yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the “back nine” or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

LIVE IT WELL!
ENJOY TODAY!
DO SOMETHING FUN!
BE HAPPY!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.
LIVE HAPPY IN 2014!

Friday, November 22, 2013

A CHRISTMAS TRADITION

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
 
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
 
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
 
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
 
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
 
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
 
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
 
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
Not very many people know this.
 

Monday, November 18, 2013

DRINKING BEER

Woman:
Do you drink beer? 

Man: Yes
...
Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman: 
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: 
And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: 
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: 
Correct

Woman: 
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: 
Correct

Woman: 
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting 
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: 
Do you drink beer?

Woman: 
No

Man: 
Where’s your Ferrari....?

Thursday, November 14, 2013

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

Why Go to Church?                     
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." 
"Why not?" she asked. 
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them." 
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: 
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
 
 
 
The Picnic
 
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. 
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" 
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
 
 
The Usher
 
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. 
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. 
"The front row, please," she answered. 
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." 
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. 
"No," he said. 
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. 
"Do you know who I am?" he asked. 
"No," she said. 
"Good," he answered.
 
 
Show and Tell
 
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class. 
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." 
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." 
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
 
 
 
The Best Way To Pray
 
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby 
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. 
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." 
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." 
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
                                
 
 
The Twenty and the One
 
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. 
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. 
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. 
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." 
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" 
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" 
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ." 
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Sunday, November 10, 2013

THE WINDOW FROM WHICH WE LOOK

A  young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, 
The young woman sees her  neighbor hanging the
  
Wash outside.
"That  laundry is not very clean", she said.
"She doesn't know how to  wash correctly. 
Perhaps she needs better laundry  soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, 
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her  this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
Depends on the purity of the window through which we look!
 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Romantic Text Message

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, ...send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I Love You."


The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet -- Please advise."

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Catholics and Long Marriages


At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Baltimore , they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

Sunday, October 20, 2013

GOOD NEWS!

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards,
and it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
 
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control,
mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country
from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the
pledge of allegiance?"
~~~~~
 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

THE NEW PASTOR

Pastor Jeremiah Steepek transformed himself into
a homeless person and went to the 10,000 member church that he was to
be introduced as the head pastor at that morning. He walked around
his soon to be church for 30 minutes while it was filling with people
for service....only 3 people out of the 7-10,000 people said hello to
him. He asked people for change to buy food....NO ONE in the church
gave him change. He went into the sanctuary to sit down in the front
of the church and was asked by the ushers if he would please sit n
the back. He greeted people to be greeted back with stares and dirty
looks, with people looking down on him and judging him. 

As he sat in the back of the church, he listened to the church
announcements and such. When all that was done, the elders went up
and were excited to introduce the new pastor of the church to the
congregation........"We would like to introduce to you Pastor
Jeremiah Steepek"....The congregation looked around clapping with joy
and anticipation.....The homeless man sitting in the back stood
up.....and started walking down the aisle.....the clapping stopped
with ALL eyes on him....he walked up the altar and took the
microphone from the elders (who were in on this) and paused for a
moment....then he recited

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are
blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for
you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me
something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I
was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you
clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and
you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord,
when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you
something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in,
or needing clothes and clothe you… when did we see you sick or in
prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of
the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

After he recited this, he looked towards the congregation and told
them all what he had experienced that morning...many began to cry and
many heads were bowed in shame.... he then said....Today I see a
gathering of people......not a church of Jesus Christ. The world has
enough people, but not enough disciples...when will YOU decide to
become disciples?
 
He then dismissed service until next
week.......
Being a Christian is more than something you claim. It's
something you live by and share with others.