Tuesday, March 26, 2013

THE LIE DETECTOR ROBOT

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Crabby Old Man






What do you see nurses? . . . .. . What do you see?

What are you thinking . . . . . When you're looking at me?

A crabby old man . . . . . Not very wise,

Uncertain of habit . . . . . With faraway eyes?



Who dribbles his food . . . . . And makes no reply.

When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'

Who seems not to notice . . . . . The things that you do.

And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?



Who, resisting or not . . . . .. Lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding . . . . . The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . You're not looking at me.



I'll tell you who I am. . . . . . As I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding, . . . . . As I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of Ten . .. . . . With a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters . . . . . Who love one another.



A young boy of Sixteen . . . . With wings on his feet..

Dreaming that soon now . . . . . A lover he'll meet.

A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . My heart gives a leap.

Remembering, the vows . . . . .. That I promised to keep.



At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . I have young of my own.

Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.

A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,

Bound to each other . . . . . With ties that should last.



At Forty, my young sons . . . . . Have grown and are gone,

But my woman's beside me . . . . . To see I don't mourn.

At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,

Again, we know children . . . .. . My loved one and me.



Dark days are upon me . . . . . My wife is now dead.

I look at the future . . . . . Shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing . . . . . Young of their own.

And I think of the years . . . . . And the love that I've known.



I'm now an old man . . . . . And nature is cruel.

Tis jest to make old age . . . .. . Look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles . . . . . Grace and vigor, depart.

There is now a stone . .. . . Where I once had a heart.



But inside this old carcass . . . . . A young guy still dwells,

And now and again . . . . . My battered heart swells.

I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.

And I'm loving and living . . . .. . Life over again.



I think of the years, all too few . . . . . Gone too fast.

And accept the stark fact . . . . That nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people . . . . . Open and see.

Not a crabby old man . . . Look closer . . . See ME!!

Saturday, March 16, 2013

FIVE RULES

Warren Buffett's Five Rules:

1. Never Lose Money.

2. Never Forget Rule No. 1.

3. Choose Sleep Over Extra Profit.

4. Forever is a Good Holding Period.

5. Every company will be run by an idiot.
Try to buy stock in a business that are
so wonderful that an idiot can run them,
because sooner or later one will.

Michael Goodyear
My goal is to be as good a
person as my dog thinks I am.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

ATHEIST HOLY DAY

A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day!
Gotta love this Judge!

You must read this......
A proper decision by the courts...
for a change.

A FLORIDA COURT SETS
ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida , an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool . Therefore, April 1st is his day. 
Court is adjourned...."
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture! 

Friday, March 1, 2013

THIS IS HEAVEN

An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The cowboy was enjoying the new scenery, when he suddenly remembered dying, and realized the dog beside him had been dead for years, as had his horse. Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch topped by a golden letter "H" that glowed in the sunlight.

Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold.

He rode toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. Parched and tired out by his journey, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

As the gate began to open, the cowboy asked, 'Can I bring my partners, too?'

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his side.

After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never been closed. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.'

'How about my friends here?' the traveler gestured to the dog and his horse.

'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man.

The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with buckets beside it. The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog.

When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you angry when they use your name like that?'

'Not at all. Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'