Wednesday, August 28, 2013

"The positive side of life"


 

                    

 

 

                        Living on Earth is expensive,

                        but it does include a free trip

                        around the sun every year.

 

                        How long a minute is

                        depends on what side of the

                        bathroom door you're on.

 

                                                            

 

                        Birthdays are good for you;

                        the more you have,

                        the longer you live.

 

                        Happiness comes through doors you

                        didn't even know you left open.

 

                                                

 

                        Ever notice that the people who are late

                        are often much jollier

                        than the people who have to wait for them?

 

                                                                   

 

                        Most of us go to our grave

                        with our music still inside of us.

 

                        If Walmart is lowering prices every day,

                        how come nothing is free yet?

 

                                                                  

 

                        You may be only one person in the world,

                        but you may also be the world to one person.

 

                        Some mistakes are too much fun

                        to only make once.

 

                        Don't cry because it's over;

                        smile because it happened.

 

                        We could learn a lot from crayons:

                        some are sharp, some are pretty,

                        some are dull, some have weird names,

                        and all are different colors....but

                        they all exist very nicely in the same box.

 

                        A truly happy person is one who

                        can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

The Cab Ride

 
  
                I arrived at the address and honked the horn. 
         After waiting a few minutes I walked to the door and knocked. 
               'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. 
            I could hear something
 being dragged across the floor.. 
  
  
                      After a long pause, the door opened. 
                  A small woman in her 90's stood before me.. 
 She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, 
                      Like somebody out of a 1940's movie. 
   
                    By her side was a small nylon suitcase. 
          The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. 
                   All the furniture was covered with sheets. 
  
  
      There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the 
                                   counters. 
      In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware. 
  
  
               'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. 
       I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. 
  
  
             She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.. 
  
                     She kept
 thanking me for my kindness. 
                          'It's nothing', I told her.. 
       'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother 
                                   treated'. 
  
                    'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. 
         When we got in the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, 
                      'Could you drive through downtown?' 
  
  
               'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..
 
  
                         'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 
                               'I'm in no hurry. 
                          I'm on my way to a hospice'. 
  
  
                       I looked in the rear-view
 mirror. 
                           Her eyes were glistening. 
        'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft voice.. 
                    'The doctor says I don't have very long. 
                'I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. 
  
  
                'What route would you like me to take?' I asked. 
  
               For the next two hours, we drove through the city. 
      She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator 
                                   operator. 
  
  
    
 We drove through the
 neighborhood where she and her husband had lived 
                           When they were newlyweds. 
       She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once 
             Been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. 
  
 Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner 
  
           And would
 sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.. 
  
  
     As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 
                           'I'm tired. Let's go now'. 
  
              We drove in silence to the address she had given me. 
             It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, 
                  With a driveway that passed under a portico. 
  
  
          Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up.. 
           They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. 
                       They must have been expecting her. 
  
          I opened
 the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. 
                 The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
 
  
                            'How much do I owe you?' 
                      She asked, reaching into her purse. 
  
  
                               'Nothing,' I said 
  
                   'You have to make a living,' she answered. 
  
                   'There are other passengers,' I responded. 
  
              Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. 
                           She held onto me tightly. 
  
  
           'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 
                                  'Thank you.' 
  
        I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. 
       Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. 
  
  
                I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. 
                       I drove aimlessly lost in thought. 
                 For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. 
                
 What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, 
                   Or one who was impatient to end his shift? 
           What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, 
                               Then driven away? 
  
                               On
 a quick review,
 
       I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. 
  
  
    We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. 
  
             But great moments often catch us unaware - beautifully 
                Wrapped in what others may consider a small one. 
  
  
                        PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY 
                         WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID 
                                     ~BUT~ 
                           THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER 
                            HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL. 
  

Thursday, August 8, 2013

A Cowboy at the Pearly Gates

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.  
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. 
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.  
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, 
  I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker
and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring,
and threw it on the ground. I yelled,   "Now, back off or I'll kick the schitte` out of all of you!" 

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" 

"Couple of minutes ago." 


          

Sunday, August 4, 2013

FAITH

 A 
little girl went 
to her bedroom and 
pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place 
in the closet. 


She poured the 
change out on the floor and counted it 
carefully. Three 
times, even. The 
total had to be exactly perfect.. No chance here 
for mistakes. 


Carefully placing 
the coins back in the jar and twisting on the 
cap, she 
slipped out the back door and 
made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store 
with 
the big red Indian Chief sign 
above the door. 

She waited 
patiently for 
the pharmacist to give 
her some attention, but he was too busy at this 
moment. 
Tess twisted her feet to make a 
scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her 
throat 
with the most disgusting sound 
she could muster. No good. Finally she took 
a 
quarter from her jar and banged it on 
the glass counter. That did 
it! 


'And what do you want?' the 
pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone 
of 
voice.. I'm talking to my brother 
from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,' 
he 
said without waiting for a reply to 
his question.. 

'Well, I want to 
talk 
to you about my brother,' Tess 
answered back in the same annoyed tone. 
'He's 
really, really sick....and I want 
to buy a miracle.' 

'I beg your 
pardon?' 
said the 
pharmacist. 

'His name is Andrew and 
he has something bad 
growing inside his 
head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save 
him now. So how 
much does a miracle 
cost?' 

'We don't sell miracles 
here, little girl. 
I'm sorry but I 
can't help you,' the pharmacist said, softening 
a little. 


'Listen, I have the 
money to pay for it.. If it isn't enough, I will 
get 
the rest. Just tell me how much it 
costs.' 

The pharmacist's brother 
was 
a well dressed man. He stooped down 
and asked the little girl, 'What kind of 
a 
miracle does your brother 
need?' 

' I don't know,' Tess 
replied with her 
eyes welling up I 
just know he's really sick and Mommy says he 
needs an 
operation. But my Daddy can't 
pay for it, so I want to use my 
money.' 


'How much do you 
have?' asked the man from 
Chicago  
. 

'One dollar 
and 
eleven cents,' Tess answered barely 
audible. 

'And it's all the 
money 
I have, but I can get some more 
if I need to.' 

'Well, what 
a 
coincidence,' smiled the man. 'A 
dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of 
a 
miracle for little 
brothers.' 

He took her money in one 
hand and with 
the other hand he grasped 
her mitten and said 'Take me to where you live. 
I want 
to see your brother and meet 
your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle 
you need.' 

That well-dressed man 
was Dr. 
Carlton Armstrong, a 
surgeon, 
specializing in neuro-surgery. 
The operation was completed free of charge and 
it 
wasn't long until Andrew was home 
again and doing well. 

Mom and Dad 
were 
happily talking about the chain of 
events that had led them to this 
place. 


'That surgery,' her Mom 
whispered. 'was a real miracle. I wonder 
how 
much it would have 
cost?' 

Tess smiled. She knew 
exactly how much a 
miracle cost....one 
dollar and eleven cents....plus the faith of a 
little child. 


In our lives, we 
never know how many miracles we will 
need. 

A 
miracle is not the 
suspension of natural law, but the operation of 
a higher law. 
I know you'll keep the 
ball moving! 

Here it goes. Throw it 
back to 
someone who means something to 
you! 

A ball is a circle, no 
beginning, no 
end. It keeps us together 
like our Circle of Friends. But the treasure 
inside 
for you to see is the treasure 
of friendship you've granted to 
me. 

Today 
I pass the 
friendship ball to you. 

Pass it on 
to someone who is a friend 
to 
you. 

MY OATH TO 
YOU... 

When you are sad....I will 
dry your 
tears. 

When you 
are scared.......I will comfort your 
fears. 

When 
you are 
worried.......I will give you 
hope. 

When you are 
confused.....I 
will help you 
cope. 

And when you are lost...and 
can't see the light, I 
shall be your 
beacon...shining ever so 
bright. 

This is my 
oath.....I 
pledge till the 
end. 

Why you may ask?....Because 
you're my friend. 


Signed: 
GOD