Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Catholics and Long Marriages


At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Baltimore , they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

Sunday, October 20, 2013

GOOD NEWS!

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards,
and it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
 
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control,
mud slides, flooding,
severe thunderstorms tearing up the country
from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the
pledge of allegiance?"
~~~~~
 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

THE NEW PASTOR

Pastor Jeremiah Steepek transformed himself into
a homeless person and went to the 10,000 member church that he was to
be introduced as the head pastor at that morning. He walked around
his soon to be church for 30 minutes while it was filling with people
for service....only 3 people out of the 7-10,000 people said hello to
him. He asked people for change to buy food....NO ONE in the church
gave him change. He went into the sanctuary to sit down in the front
of the church and was asked by the ushers if he would please sit n
the back. He greeted people to be greeted back with stares and dirty
looks, with people looking down on him and judging him. 

As he sat in the back of the church, he listened to the church
announcements and such. When all that was done, the elders went up
and were excited to introduce the new pastor of the church to the
congregation........"We would like to introduce to you Pastor
Jeremiah Steepek"....The congregation looked around clapping with joy
and anticipation.....The homeless man sitting in the back stood
up.....and started walking down the aisle.....the clapping stopped
with ALL eyes on him....he walked up the altar and took the
microphone from the elders (who were in on this) and paused for a
moment....then he recited

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are
blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for
you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me
something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I
was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you
clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and
you came to visit me.’ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord,
when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you
something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in,
or needing clothes and clothe you… when did we see you sick or in
prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of
the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

After he recited this, he looked towards the congregation and told
them all what he had experienced that morning...many began to cry and
many heads were bowed in shame.... he then said....Today I see a
gathering of people......not a church of Jesus Christ. The world has
enough people, but not enough disciples...when will YOU decide to
become disciples?
 
He then dismissed service until next
week.......
Being a Christian is more than something you claim. It's
something you live by and share with others.    


 

Saturday, October 12, 2013

AN OFF COLOR JOKE

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor told them, "We have special
 requirements for new parishioners.

You must abstain from sex for an entire month." 
  
  The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. 

   When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife
   was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed. 

   "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the 
     pastor inquired. 

   "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.
           
    The pastor asked him what happened. 
     

    "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. 
    
    We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. 

    But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint 
    and dropped it. 
    When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly. 


    "You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor. 

  
     "We know," said the young man, hanging his head.
        

   "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either
 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I Love This One

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
 
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
 
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
 
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
 
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
 
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
 
Sarah replies, "Property? .... the schmuck has a paper route!"
 
 

Monday, October 7, 2013

THE LORD's PRAYER by a 15 year old.

Y A 15 yr. OLD SCHOOL KID
Who got an A+ for this entry
(TOTALLY AWESOME)!
 
The Lord's Prayer
Is not allowed in most
Public schools anymore
Because the word Godis mentioned.....
A kid in WINNIPEGManitoba wrote the attached
NEW School prayer:
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene..
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all..
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the Province.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks...
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong..
We can get our condoms and birth controls, 
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles...
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, 
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen