Monday, November 25, 2013

THE "BACK NINE" OF MY LIFE

You know. . . Time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is... The “back nine” of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that “I was only on the first hole” and the “back nine” was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting grey...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the “back nine”, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...it's over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

So, if you're not on the “back nine” yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the “back nine” or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

LIVE IT WELL!
ENJOY TODAY!
DO SOMETHING FUN!
BE HAPPY!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.
LIVE HAPPY IN 2014!

Friday, November 22, 2013

A CHRISTMAS TRADITION

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
 
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
 
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
 
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
 
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
 
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
 
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
 
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
Not very many people know this.
 

Monday, November 18, 2013

DRINKING BEER

Woman:
Do you drink beer? 

Man: Yes
...
Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman: 
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: 
And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: 
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: 
Correct

Woman: 
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: 
Correct

Woman: 
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting 
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: 
Do you drink beer?

Woman: 
No

Man: 
Where’s your Ferrari....?

Thursday, November 14, 2013

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE

Why Go to Church?                     
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." 
"Why not?" she asked. 
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them." 
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: 
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
 
 
 
The Picnic
 
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. 
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" 
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
 
 
The Usher
 
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. 
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. 
"The front row, please," she answered. 
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring." 
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. 
"No," he said. 
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. 
"Do you know who I am?" he asked. 
"No," she said. 
"Good," he answered.
 
 
Show and Tell
 
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class. 
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." 
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." 
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
 
 
 
The Best Way To Pray
 
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby 
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. 
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." 
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." 
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
                                
 
 
The Twenty and the One
 
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. 
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. 
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. 
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." 
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" 
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" 
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ." 
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Sunday, November 10, 2013

THE WINDOW FROM WHICH WE LOOK

A  young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, 
The young woman sees her  neighbor hanging the
  
Wash outside.
"That  laundry is not very clean", she said.
"She doesn't know how to  wash correctly. 
Perhaps she needs better laundry  soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, 
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her  this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
Depends on the purity of the window through which we look!
 

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Romantic Text Message

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, ...send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I Love You."


The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet -- Please advise."