Wednesday, January 29, 2014

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

 
How important does a person have to be before they are 
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes 
you were buried in for eternity?
 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have? 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out 
it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
 

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' 
when babies wake up like every two hours?
 


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars 
to look at things on the ground?
 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...
 
 

You cannot legalize morality.

It's internal not external. You either have it or you don't. 

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, 
which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? 
They're both dogs!



Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, 
he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, 
he sticks his head out the window?


Why, Why, Why
do we press harder on a remote control 
when we know the batteries are getting dead?
 


Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' 
when they know there is not enough money?


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
 
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why do they use sterilized needles
 
for death by lethal injection?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, 
but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use 
the bubbles are always white?


Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator 
with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?


Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, 
then reach down, pick it up , examine it, then put it down to give the
 
vacuum one more chance?
 

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's 
falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
 
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my
 
FAVORITE.........
 
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons 
is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends 
-- if they're okay, then it's you.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

WINTER BOOTS

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this) did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?
 
He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling, and him pushing,
The little boots still didn't want to go on.
 
By the time they got the second boot on,
She had worked up a sweat.
 
She almost cried when the little boy said,
'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'
 
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off,
than it was putting them on.
 
She managed to keep her cool as, together,
they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
 
He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'
 
She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
 
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.
 
 
No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'
 
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But... she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.
 
Helping him into his coat, she asked,
'Now, where are your mittens?'
 
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'
 
She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

CLEVER COMMENTS

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. - Prince Philip 

 As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. - John Glenn 

 Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. - Arnold Schwarzenegger 

 When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. - Desmond Tutu 

 America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. - David Letterman 

 After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. - Italian proverb 

 The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. - Jean Kerr 

 I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. - Zsa Zsa Gabor 

 You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. - Jeff Foxworthy 

 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. - Elmo Philips 

 Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. - Harrison Ford 

 The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. -Spike Milligan 

 Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. -Robin Hall 

 Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. -Jean Rostand 

 We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. - WH Auden 

 In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. - Jonathan Katz 

 If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson 

 I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. - Arthur C Clarke 

 Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. - Steve Martin 

 Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. - Jimmy Durante 

 If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? - Steven Wright 

 America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. -Doug Hamwell 

 The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. - George Roberts 

 If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. - Jonathan Winters 

 I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. - Robert Benchley
 
 
 

Friday, January 17, 2014

GRINS AND SNICKERS

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?) 

------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.
------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 

------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." 

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.." 

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

------------------------------------------------------------ 
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

-------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

-------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and Ihave to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
 

Friday, January 10, 2014

THE PORCH

 On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door
of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I
will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a
life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human
said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty
the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave
back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it.
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it
as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front
porch.
 

Monday, January 6, 2014

A LITTLE POEM

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches..
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damned old!

Thursday, January 2, 2014

THREE BLONDES




Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You 
must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"


The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.


The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said,"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"


"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is side picture profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.


The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time but," He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything 
distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"


The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."