Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The last wishes of Alexander the Great:

 On his death bed, Alexander summoned his generals and told them his three
ultimate wishes:

1.  The best doctors should carry his coffin;
2.  The wealth he has accumulated (money, gold, precious stones) should be scattered along the procession to the cemetery, and
3.  His hands should be let loose, hanging outside the coffin for all to see.

One of his generals who was surprised by these unusual requests asked
Alexander to explain.
 
Good one!
Here is what Alexander the Great had to say:

1.  I want the best doctors to carry my coffin to demonstrate that, in the face of death, even the best doctors in the world have no power to heal
2.  I want the road to be covered with my treasure so that everybody sees that material wealth acquired on earth, stays on earth
3.  I want my hands to swing in the wind, so that people understand that we come to this world empty handed and we leave this world empty handed after the most precious treasure of all is exhausted, and that is TIME.
TIME is our most precious treasure because it is LIMITED.  We can produce more wealth, but we cannot produce more time.
When we give someone our time, we actually give a portion of our life that we will never take back.
Our time is our life.
 
May God grant you plenty of TIME and may you have the wisdom to give it away so that you can LIVE & LOVE in peace.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Her First Date

  If you didn't see this on the Tonight show,
 
I hope you're sitting down when you read it.
 
This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!  We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
 
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
 
The winner described her worst first date experience.
 
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
 
She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside  Salt Lake City , Utah .
 
It was a day trip (no overnight).
 
They were strangers, after all, and had never met before.
 
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful, until they were headed home late that afternoon.
 
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!! They were about an hour

away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
 
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where

she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
 
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let

her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing

nature of the situation.
 
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly

glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal..
 
It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem,
 
due to the extreme cold.
 
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long?' with a reply that

indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off'
 
and in need of some assistance!
 
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too,

got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
 
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament

in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
 
So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
 
 
 
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants  down'.
 
And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
 
Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning
 
to being pissed  off.'
 
Oh and how did the first date turn out?
 
He became her husband and was sitting next to her
 
on the Leno show.
 

Monday, February 17, 2014

ANOTHER CUTE JOKE


Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?   25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!"

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

What Love means to a 4-8 year old...

 


Slow down for three minutes to read this. It is so worth it.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds , 

'What does love mean?' 

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined 

See what you think:





'When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time , even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' 

Rebecca- age 8 



'When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different. 
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' 

Billy - age 4 



'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' 

Karl - age 5 



'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.'

Chrissy - age 6 



'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' 

Terri - age 4 



'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.' 

Danny - age 7 



'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing , you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mom and Daddy are like that. 
They look gross when they kiss' 

Emily - age 8 



'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents 
And listen.' 

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!) 



'If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend who you hate , ' 

Nikka - age 6 
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet) 




'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt , then he wears it everyday.' 

Noelle - age 7 



'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.' 

Tommy - age 6 



'During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. 
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' 

Cindy - age 8 



'My mommy loves me more than anybody 
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' 

Clare - age 6 



'Love is when Mom gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' 

Elaine-age 5 



'Love is when Mom sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford .' 

Chris - age 7 



'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' 

Mary Ann - age 4 



'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.'

Lauren - age 4 



'When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.' (what an image) 

Karen - age 7 



'Love is when Mom sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross..' 

Mark - age 6 



'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it , you should say it a lot. People forget.' 

Jessica - age 8 
And the final one 

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.                                 
Upon seeing the man cry , the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard , climbed onto his lap , and just sat there. 
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor , the little boy said , 'Nothing , I just helped him cry' 

 

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

A ROMANTIC TEXT MESSAGE

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing,
send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking,
send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Monday, February 3, 2014

A CUTE JOKE

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, 
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 
The Priest coughs a few times to get his 
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there. 
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, 
there's no paper on this side either!"