Tuesday, April 29, 2014

ONE SENIOR CITIZEN

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding - a reason I've never before heard - I'll let you go.."
The old gentleman paused then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

AN EIGHT YEAR OLD BOY'S EXPLANATION OF GOD

EXPLANATION OF GOD:
'One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.'

'God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.'

'God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.'

'Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista ... At least there aren't any who come to our church.'

'Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God.. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.'

'His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.'

'You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.' 

'You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!

Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.'

'If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.'

'But.....you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases.

And...that's why I believe in God.'


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

OK...I WAS BORED

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1)    You can't  count your hair.

2)    You can't wash  your eyes with soap.

3)    You  can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly  person.




NINE THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't  say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted  to do it.


6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your  face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone  does it too.

 

Friday, April 11, 2014

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US

TELL   ME THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO
USAn elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone
to  report    that her car has been broken
into. She is  hysterical as she    explains her
situation to the  dispatcher: 'They've
stolen the stereo, the steering  wheel, the brake pedal
and    even the accelerator!'  she cried.. The
dispatcher said,    'Stay calm... An  officer
is on the way.' A few minutes    later, the
officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.    'She got
in  the back-seat by
mistake.'     TELL ME THIS WON'T
HAPPEN TO US!!


__________________________________________________
______________________     Three
sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a
house     together. One night the 96-year-old
draws a bath. She  puts    her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other  sisters,
'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'  The
94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll
come    up and see.' She starts up the stairs
and  pauses    'Was I going up the stairs or
down? The  92-year-old is    sitting at the
kitchen table having  tea listening to her
sisters, she shakes her head  and says, 'I sure hope
I    never get that forgetful,  knock on
wood...' She then   yells, 'I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as    I see who's at the
door.'     TELL ME THIS WON'T
HAPPEN TO US!!!!


________________________________________________________________________
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'     Three
retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing
golf    one fine March day. One remarked to the
other,  'Windy,    isn't it?' 'No,' the second
man  replied,    'it's Thursday.' And the third
man chimed  in,    'So am I. Let's have a
beer.'     TELL ME THIS WON'T
HAPPEN TO US!!!!


_______________________________________________________________________
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in
a    nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up
the hem  of    her nightgown and say
'Supersex.' She walked up  to    an elderly man
in a wheelchair.. Flipping her  gown at him,
she said, 'Supersex...' He sat silently  for a
moment    or two and finally answered, 'I'll
take  the
soup.'     TELL ME THIS WON'T
HAPPEN TO US!!!!

 __________________________________________________________________
Now this one is just too
Precious...LOL!    Two elderly ladies
had been friends for many decades.  Over    the
years, they had shared all kinds of  activities
and    adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to   meeting a few times a week to
play  cards.     One day,
they were playing cards when one looked at
the    other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ...
I  know    we've been friends for a long time,
but I just  can't    think of your name! I've
thought And thought,  but I    can't remember
it. Please tell me what your  name
is..     Her friend glared at her
for at least three minutes  she    just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said,  'How
soon do you need to
know?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

  _________
__________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING     As a senior
citizen was driving down the freeway, his
car    phone rang. Answering, he heard his
wife's  voice    urgently warning him, 'Herman,
I just heard on  the news    that there's a car
going the wrong way on  Interstate 77.
Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said  Herman,
'It's not just one car. It's hundreds  of
them!'     TELL ME THIS WON'T
HAPPEN TO US !!!!


______________________________________________
_______________
DRIVING     Two elderly women were
out driving in a large car -  both    could
barely see over the dashboard. As they  were
cruising    along, they came to an
intersection.  The stoplight was red,    but
they just went on  through. The woman in the
passenger    seat thought to  herself 'I must
be losing it. I could    have sworn we  just
went Through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another
intersection    and the light was red. Again, they
went  right through. The    woman in the
passenger seat was  almost sure that the
light    had been red but was  really concerned
that she was losing    it. She was  getting
nervous.     At the next
intersection, sure enough, the light was red    and
they went on through. So, She turned to the other
woman    and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we
just  ran    through three red lights in a row?
You could  have killed us
both!'     Mildred turned to her
and said, 'Oh, crap, am I
driving?'

Monday, April 7, 2014

Senior Citizens

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience andtolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others.

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps.... With a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to
Get up


I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the
Time of my life


Friday, April 4, 2014

Charley Reese's Final column!


Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The President does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one President, and nine Supreme Court justices equates to 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a President to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes.

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The President can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? John Boehner. He is the leader of the majority party. He and fellow House members, not the President, can approve any budget they want. If the President vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million cannot replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red.

If the Army & Marines are in Iraq and Afghanistan it's because they want them in Iraq and Afghanistan ...

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way.

There are no insoluble government problems.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish;  to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power.
Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.

They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses.

Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees...

We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.

What you do with this article now that you have read it... is up to you.
This might be funny if it weren't so true.  Be sure to read all the way to the end:

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table,
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for
peanuts anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid...

Put these words
Upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me
to my doom...'

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply:
The inheritance tax.
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (currently 44.75 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Sales Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Nonrecurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax


STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the heck happened? Can you spell 'politicians?'

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

 
My confession:
I don't like getting pushed around for being a  Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for  being Christians.  

I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. 
I have no idea where the concept came from, that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat. 

Or maybe I  can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship celebrities and we aren't allowed to worship God  as we understand Him?  
I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are  wondering where these celebrities came from and where the America we knew went to. 

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little  different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not  funny, it's intended to get you thinking. In light of recent events - terrorists attacks, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she  was murdered, her body found a few years ago) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. 
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school.
The Bible says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbour as yourself.  And we said  OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our  children when they misbehave, because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr.  Spock's son committed suicide).  We said an expert should know what he's talking about.  And we said okay.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it  doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard  enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with, 'WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.' 

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to  hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.  
Funny how you can send  'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think  twice about sharing.  
Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.  

Are you laughing yet? 

Funny how when you forward  this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will  think of you for sending it. 

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us. 

Pass it on if you think it has merit.
  
If not, then just discard it. No one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.   

My Best Regards, Honestly and Respectfully,

Ben Stein