Wednesday, January 21, 2015

TIME FOR A JOKE

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report 
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.
At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Friday, January 16, 2015

THE PIPER

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at apauper'scemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and thehearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

THIS JOKE APPLIES TO ME

I pointed to the two older guys across the bar from us and told my friend, Bob, "That will be us in about ten years." He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb shit!"

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

MYSTERIES OF THE HUMAN BODY

 The
> Human Body is 
> a treasure trove of mysteries, one that still confounds
> doctors and scientists 
> about the details of its working. It's not an
> overstatement to say that every 
> part of your body is a miracle.  Here are fifty facts
> about your body, some 
> of which will leave you stunned...or... 
> 
> 1.      
> 
> It's possible for
> your body to survive 
> without a surprisingly large fraction of its internal
> organs.   Even 
> if you lose your stomach, your spleen, 75% of your liver,
> 80% of your 
> intestines, one kidney, one lung, and virtually every organ
> from your pelvic and 
> groin area, you wouldn't be very healthy, but you would
> live. 
> 
> 
> 2.       During your lifetime,
> you will 
> produce enough saliva to fill two swimming pools. Actually,
> Saliva is more 
> important than you realize. If your saliva cannot dissolve
> something, you cannot 
> taste it. 
> 
> 3.      
> The largest 
> cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is
> the male sperm. 
> 
> The
> 
> egg is actually the only cell in the body that is visible by
> the naked eye. 
> 
> 
> 4.       The strongest muscle
> in the human 
> body is the tongue and the hardest bone is the jawbone.
> 
> 
> 5.      
> Human feet have 
> 52 bones, accounting for one quarter of all the human
> body's bones. 
> 
> 
> 6.      
> Feet have 
> 500,000 sweat glands and can produce more than a pint of
> sweat a day. 
> 
> 
> 7.      
> The acid in 
> your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades. The
> reason it doesn't 
> eat away at your stomach is that the cells of your stomach
> wall renew themselves 
> so frequently that you get a new stomach lining every three
> to four days. 
> 
> 
> 8.      
> The human lungs 
> contain approximately 2,400 kilometers (1,500 mi) of airways
> and 300 to 500 
> million hollow cavities, having a total surface area of
> about 70 square meters, 
> roughly  the same area as one side of a tennis court.
> Furthermore, if all 
> of the capillaries that surround the lung cavities were
> unwound and laid end to 
> end, they would extend for about 992 kilometers. Also, your
> left lung is smaller 
> than your right lung to make room for your heart.
> 
> 
> 9.      
> Sneezes 
> regularly exceed 100 mph, while coughs clock in at about 60
> mph. 
> 
> 
> 10.     Your
> body gives off enough 
> heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a
> boil. 
> 
> 
> 11.     Your
> body has enough iron 
> in it to make a nail 3 inches long. 
> 
> 12.    
> Earwax production is 
> necessary for good ear health.  It protects the
> delicate inner ear from 
> bacteria, fungus, dirt and even insects. It also cleans and
> lubricates the ear 
> canal. 
> 
> 13.    
> Everyone has a unique 
> smell, except for identical twins, who smell the same. 
> 
> 
> 14.     Your
> teeth start growing 6 
> months before you are born. This is why one out of every
> 2,000 newborn infants 
> has a tooth when they are born 
> 
> 15.     A
> baby's head is 
> one-quarter of its total length, but by the age of  25
> will only be 
> one-eighth of its total length. This is because people's
> heads grow at a much 
> slower rate than the rest of their bodies. 
> 
> 16.    
> Babies are born with 300 
> bones, but by adulthood the number is reduced to 206. Some
> of the bones, like 
> skull bones, get fused into each other, bringing down the
> total number. 
> 
> 
> 17.    
> It's not possible to 
> tickle yourself. This is because when you attempt to tickle
> yourself you are 
> totally aware of the exact time and manner in which the
> tickling will occur, 
> unlike when someone else tickles you. 
> 
> 18.     Less
> than one third of the 
> human race has 20-20 vision. This means that two out of
> three people cannot see 
> perfectly. 
> 
> 19.     Your
> nose can remember 
> 50,000 different scents. But if you are a woman, you are a
> better smeller than 
> men, and will remain a better smeller throughout your life. 
> 
> 
> 20.     The
> human body is 
> estimated to have 60,000 miles of blood vessels.
> 
> 
> 21.     The
> three things pregnant 
> women dream most of during their first trimester are frogs,
> worms and potted 
> plants. Scientists have no idea why this is so, but
> attribute it to the growing 
> imbalance of hormones in the body during pregnancy.
> 
> 
> 22.     The
> life span of a human 
> hair is 3 to 7 years on average. Every day the average
> person loses 60-100 
> strands of hair. But don't worry, you must lose over 50%
> of your scalp hairs 
> before it is apparent to anyone. 
> 
> 23.     The
> human brain cell can 
> hold 5 times as much information as an encyclopedia.
> 
> Your brain uses 20% of the oxygen
> that enters your 
> bloodstream, and is itself made up of 80% water. Though it
> interprets pain 
> signals from the rest of the body, the brain itself cannot
> feel pain. 
> 
> 
> 24.     The
> tooth is the only part 
> of the human body that can't repair itself. 
> 
> 25.     Your
> eyes are always the 
> same size from birth but your nose and ears never stop
> growing. 
> 
> 
> 26.     By 60
> years of age, 60% of 
> men and 40% of women will snore. 
> 
> 27.     We
> are about 1 cm taller 
> in the morning than in the evening, because during normal
> activities during the 
> day, the cartilage in our knees and other areas slowly
> compress. 
> 
> 
> 28.     The
> brain operates on the 
> same amount of power as 10-watt light bulb, even while you
> are sleeping. In 
> fact, the brain is much more active at night than during the
> day. 
> 
> 
> 29.     Nerve
> impulses to and from 
> the brain travel as fast as 170 miles per hour. Neurons
> continue to grow 
> throughout human life. Information travels at different
> speeds within different 
> types of neurons. 
> 
> 30.     It is
> a fact that people 
> who dream more often and more vividly, on an average have a
> higher Intelligence 
> Quotient. 
> 
> 31.     The
> fastest growing nail 
> is on the middle finger. 
> 
> 32.    
> Facial hair grows faster 
> than any other hair on the body. This is true for men as
> well as women. 
> 
> 
> 33.     There
> are as many hairs 
> per square inch on your body as a chimpanzee. 
> 
> 34.     A
> human fetus acquires 
> fingerprints at the age of three months. 
> 
> 35.     By
> the age of 60, most 
> people will have lost about half their taste buds.
> 
> 
> 36.     About
> 32 million bacteria 
> call every inch of your skin home. But don't worry, a
> majority of these are 
> harmless or even helpful bacteria. 
> 
> 37.     The
> colder the room you 
> sleep in, the higher the chances are that you'll have a
> bad dream. 
> 
> 
> 38.     Human
> lips have a reddish 
> color because of the great concentration of tiny capillaries
> 
> 
> just below the skin. 
> 
> 
> 39.     Three
> hundred million 
> cells die in the human body every minute. 
> 
> 40.     Like
> fingerprints, every 
> individual has an unique tongue print that can be used for
> identification. 
> 
> 
> 41.     A
> human head remains 
> conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it has been
> decapitated. 
> 
> 
> 42.     It
> takes 17 muscles to 
> smile and 43 to frown. 
> 
> 43.    
> Humans can make do longer 
> without food than sleep.  Provided there is water, the
> average human could 
> survive a month to two months without food depending on
> their body fat and other 
> factors.  Sleep deprived people, however, start
> experiencing radical 
> personality and psychological changes after only a few
> sleepless days. The 
> longest recorded time anyone has ever gone without sleep is
> 11 days, at the end 
> of which the experimenter was awake, but stumbled over
> words, hallucinated and 
> frequently forgot what he was doing. 
> 
> 44.     The
> most common blood type 
> in the world is Type O. The rarest blood type, A-H or Bombay
> blood, due to the 
> location of its discovery, has been found in less than
> hundred people since it 
> was discovered 
> 
> 45.     Every
> human spent about 
> half an hour after being conceived, as a single cell.
> Shortly afterward, the 
> cells begin rapidly dividing and begin forming the
> components of a tiny embryo. 
> 
> 
> 46.    
> Right-handed people live, 
> on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. 
> 
> 
> 47.     Your
> ears secrete more 
> earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.
> 
> 
> 48.    
> Koalas and primates are 
> the only animals with unique fingerprints. 
> 
> 49.    
> Humans are the only 
> animals to produce emotional tears. 
> 
> 50.     The
> human heart creates 
> enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet in the air