Wednesday, May 27, 2015

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT 
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE 
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY) 
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the restroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal."
WEDDINGS 
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance..
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE 
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER: 
1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.


Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Things I Trust More than Hillary Clinton

Mexican tap water;
* A rattlesnake with a "Pet Me" sign;
* OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection;
* A fart when I have diarrhea;
* An elevator ride with Ray Rice;
* Pills offered by Bill Cosby;
* Michael Jackson's doctor;
* An Obama nuclear deal with Iran;
* A Palestinian on a motorcycle;
* Gas station sushi;
* A Jimmy Carter economic plan;
* Brian Williams' news reports;
* Loch Ness Monster sightings;
* Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

DAYS OF OLD

I liked the old paths, when
Moms were at home.
Dads were at work.
Brothers went into the army.
And sisters got married BEFORE having children!

Crime did not pay;
Hard work did;
And people knew the difference.

Moms could cook;
Dads would work;
Children would behave.

Husbands were loving;
Wives were supportive;
And children were polite.

Women wore the jewelry;
And Men wore the pants.

Women looked like ladies;
Men looked like gentlemen;
And children looked decent.

People loved the truth,
And hated a lie.

They came to church to get IN,
Not to get OUT!

Hymns sounded Godly;
Sermons sounded helpful;
Rejoicing sounded normal;
And crying sounded sincere.

Cursing was wicked;
Drugs were for illness.

The flag was honored;

America was beautiful;
And God was welcome!

We read the Bible in public;
Prayed in school;
And preached from house to house.

To be called an American was worth dying for;
To be called an American was worth living for;
To be called a traitor was a shame!

I still like the old paths the best! 

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

VERY TOUCHING

One day Jim's mom came to school to check on how he was doing. 
The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had or seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career. 
The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew Jim from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland. 
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. 
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died. 
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Jim, a janitor in the Clinic, Jim had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner. 
Don't tell me you thought Jim became a heart-surgeon.