Thursday, July 30, 2015

DAMN GUN RULES

I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!
 
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that bad...........................
 

Thursday, July 23, 2015

PERFECT FRANK

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi  just going by.  He gets 
into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like 
Frank." 
Passenger: "Who?" 
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman ... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. 

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to 
Frank Feldman every single time." 
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." 
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the 
Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone, and danced like a Broadway star.  And you should have heard him 
play the piano! He was an amazing guy." 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special." 

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He 
remembered everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which foods to 
order and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything. Not like me 
I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he 
could do everything right." 

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then." 
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic 
jams. 
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made 
mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. 
He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and His clothing 
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. 

He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake!  No one could 
ever measure up to Frank Feldman." 
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" 

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife"! 

Monday, July 20, 2015

Humor of the Day: DIVORCE vs. MURDER


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide? 
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband. ... 
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Thursday, July 16, 2015

DEAR FAMILY

 I'm
> not dead yet.  Thanksgiving is still important to
> me.  If being in
> my Last Will and
> Testament is important to
> you, then you might
> consider being with me
> for my favorite
> holiday.  Dinner is at
> 2:00.  Not 2:15.
> Not 2:05. 
> Arrive late and you
> get what's left over.
>
> Last year, that moron
> Marshall fried a turkey in one of those
> contraptions and practically burned the deck off the
> house.  This
> year, the only peanut oil used to make the
> meal
> will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to good
> old home made,
> not  canned, carrot soup.  
>
> Jonathan, your last new wife was an
> idiot.  You don't arrive at someone's
> house on
> Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. 
> Honest to God, I
> thought you might have
> learned after two wives - date
> them longer and save us all the agony of another
> divorce.  Now, the house
> rules are slightly different this year, because I have
> decided that 47% of you
> don't know how to take care of nice things.  Paper
> plates and red Solo cups
> might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon
> and that will be your
> problem to deal with.  However there will be honest to
> goodness silverware
> and real dishes, and I have a dishwasher, so none of you
> will have to get your
> hands wet.
>
>
>  
>
> House
> Rules:
>  
>
> 1. The University of
> Texas no longer
> plays Texas A&M.  The television will stays off during the
> meal.
>  
>
> 2.
> The "no cans for kids" rule still exists.  We
> are using 2 liter
> bottles because your
> children still open a
> third can before finishing
> the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is
> empty.  All of the
> cups have names on them and I'll be paying close
> attention to
> refills.
>  
>
> 3.
> Cloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked
> the other way when
> your Jell-O salad showed up.  This year, if Jell-O
> salad comes in the front
> door it will go right back out the back door with the
> garbage.  Save
> yourself some time, honey.  You've never been a
> good cook and you shouldn't
> bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something
> from the
> bakery.
>  
>
> 4.
> Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. 
> That is a  fact
> of life.  Your
> children can eat
> healthy at your home.  At my
> home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish
> it.
>  
>
> 5. I cook with bacon and bacon
> grease.  That's nothing new.  Your being
> a
> vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without
> bacon is like egg salad
> without eggs.  Even the green bean casserole has a
> little bacon grease in
> it.  That's why it tastes so good.  Not eating
> bacon is just not
> natural.  And as far as being
> healthy... look at
> me.  I've
> outlived almost everyone I
> know. 
>
> 6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste
> of space. 
>
>
> 7. I
> do not like cell phones.  Leave them in the car. 
> We are here to
> talk to each
> other. 
>
> 8. I do not like
> video cameras.  There
> will be 32 people here.  I am sure
> you can capture lots of
> memories without the camera pointed at me. 
>
> 9. Being a mother means you have to
> actually pay attention to the kids. 
> I have nice things and I don't
> put them away just because company is coming over. 
> Mary, watch your kids
> and I'll watch my things. 
>
> 10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a
> shot
> twice a day is a cat that
> has lived too many
> lives.  I think
> staying home to care for the
> cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too
> many lives too.  I
> can live with that.  Can you?
>
> 11. Words mean
> things.  I say what I mean.  Let me
> repeat: so I know you will remember
> them.  You don't need to
> bring anything means you don't need to bring
> anything.  And, if I did tell
> you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I
> said.  Really, this
> doesn't have to be difficult. 
>
> 12. Domino's and cards are
> better than
> anything
> that requires a battery
> or an on/off
> switch.  That was
> true when you were kids and it's true now that you have
> kids. 
>
> 13.
> Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at
> Christmas.  Not
> showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be
> signed. 
>
> The
> election is over so I'll watch what I say about the
> bastard, and you
> will do the same.  If we all stick to that, we'll
> have a good time. 
> If not, I'll still have a good time but it will be at
> your expense.  In
> memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled
> with beer. 
> Drink until it is gone.  I prefer wine anyway. 
> But one from each
> family needs to be the designated driver so you decide which
> one. 
>
> I
> really mean all of the above. 
>
> Love You,
>
>
> Grandma