Thursday, July 16, 2015

DEAR FAMILY

 I'm
> not dead yet.  Thanksgiving is still important to
> me.  If being in
> my Last Will and
> Testament is important to
> you, then you might
> consider being with me
> for my favorite
> holiday.  Dinner is at
> 2:00.  Not 2:15.
> Not 2:05. 
> Arrive late and you
> get what's left over.
>
> Last year, that moron
> Marshall fried a turkey in one of those
> contraptions and practically burned the deck off the
> house.  This
> year, the only peanut oil used to make the
> meal
> will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to good
> old home made,
> not  canned, carrot soup.  
>
> Jonathan, your last new wife was an
> idiot.  You don't arrive at someone's
> house on
> Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. 
> Honest to God, I
> thought you might have
> learned after two wives - date
> them longer and save us all the agony of another
> divorce.  Now, the house
> rules are slightly different this year, because I have
> decided that 47% of you
> don't know how to take care of nice things.  Paper
> plates and red Solo cups
> might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon
> and that will be your
> problem to deal with.  However there will be honest to
> goodness silverware
> and real dishes, and I have a dishwasher, so none of you
> will have to get your
> hands wet.
>
>
>  
>
> House
> Rules:
>  
>
> 1. The University of
> Texas no longer
> plays Texas A&M.  The television will stays off during the
> meal.
>  
>
> 2.
> The "no cans for kids" rule still exists.  We
> are using 2 liter
> bottles because your
> children still open a
> third can before finishing
> the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is
> empty.  All of the
> cups have names on them and I'll be paying close
> attention to
> refills.
>  
>
> 3.
> Cloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked
> the other way when
> your Jell-O salad showed up.  This year, if Jell-O
> salad comes in the front
> door it will go right back out the back door with the
> garbage.  Save
> yourself some time, honey.  You've never been a
> good cook and you shouldn't
> bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something
> from the
> bakery.
>  
>
> 4.
> Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. 
> That is a  fact
> of life.  Your
> children can eat
> healthy at your home.  At my
> home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish
> it.
>  
>
> 5. I cook with bacon and bacon
> grease.  That's nothing new.  Your being
> a
> vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without
> bacon is like egg salad
> without eggs.  Even the green bean casserole has a
> little bacon grease in
> it.  That's why it tastes so good.  Not eating
> bacon is just not
> natural.  And as far as being
> healthy... look at
> me.  I've
> outlived almost everyone I
> know. 
>
> 6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste
> of space. 
>
>
> 7. I
> do not like cell phones.  Leave them in the car. 
> We are here to
> talk to each
> other. 
>
> 8. I do not like
> video cameras.  There
> will be 32 people here.  I am sure
> you can capture lots of
> memories without the camera pointed at me. 
>
> 9. Being a mother means you have to
> actually pay attention to the kids. 
> I have nice things and I don't
> put them away just because company is coming over. 
> Mary, watch your kids
> and I'll watch my things. 
>
> 10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a
> shot
> twice a day is a cat that
> has lived too many
> lives.  I think
> staying home to care for the
> cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too
> many lives too.  I
> can live with that.  Can you?
>
> 11. Words mean
> things.  I say what I mean.  Let me
> repeat: so I know you will remember
> them.  You don't need to
> bring anything means you don't need to bring
> anything.  And, if I did tell
> you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I
> said.  Really, this
> doesn't have to be difficult. 
>
> 12. Domino's and cards are
> better than
> anything
> that requires a battery
> or an on/off
> switch.  That was
> true when you were kids and it's true now that you have
> kids. 
>
> 13.
> Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at
> Christmas.  Not
> showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be
> signed. 
>
> The
> election is over so I'll watch what I say about the
> bastard, and you
> will do the same.  If we all stick to that, we'll
> have a good time. 
> If not, I'll still have a good time but it will be at
> your expense.  In
> memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled
> with beer. 
> Drink until it is gone.  I prefer wine anyway. 
> But one from each
> family needs to be the designated driver so you decide which
> one. 
>
> I
> really mean all of the above. 
>
> Love You,
>
>
> Grandma

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