Saturday, September 26, 2015

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes; one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping in 25 minutes for 25 relatives at noon on December 24.
Men Are Just Happier People Cont:

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though
it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators...YEP!

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Subject: Psychology 101

Start with a cage containing four monkeys, and inside the cage you hang a banana on a string, and then you place a set of stairs under the banana.


Before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.



You then spray ALL the monkeys with cold water.



After a while, another monkey makes an attempt.  As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray ALL the monkeys with cold water.



Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.



Now, put away the cold water.  Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new monkey. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, ALL of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.  After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.



Next, remove another of the original four monkeys, replacing it with a new monkey.  The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment – with enthusiasm -- because he is now part of the "team."



Then, replace a third original monkey with a new monkey, followed by the fourth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.



Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs.



Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.  Having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.



Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.



Why, you ask? Because in their minds, that is the way it has always been!





This is how today's U.S. House and Senate operate, and this is why, from time to time, ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME!



DISCLAIMER:  This is meant as no disrespect to real monkeys.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Mommy is a dancer

 
 
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers  did for a living.
 
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman,  saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
 
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when  the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well my  mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes  in front of men and they put money in her under-wear.  Sometimes, if  the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
 
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother?   "No," the boy said, "she works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton elected as our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
 

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

YOUR SMILE FOR TODAY

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks.
 

I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop ticking me off.

 

Old age is coming at a really bad time.


When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation.

 

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

 

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.
 
 

I don't have gray hair.  I have "wisdom highlights".

 

My people skills are just fine.  It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.



 


The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.  I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
 
 

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I'll do that second week.



 

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?



 

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound.



 

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?






Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.


 

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?



 

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I actually came in there for.




Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.



Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven't met yet.