Saturday, September 26, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Start with a cage containing four monkeys, and inside the cage you hang a banana on a string, and then you place a set of stairs under the banana.
Before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.
You then spray ALL the monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt. As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray ALL the monkeys with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new monkey. The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, ALL of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original four monkeys, replacing it with a new monkey. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment – with enthusiasm -- because he is now part of the "team."
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new monkey, followed by the fourth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs.
Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. Having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds, that is the way it has always been!
This is how today's U.S. House and Senate operate, and this is why, from time to time, ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME!
DISCLAIMER: This is meant as no disrespect to real monkeys.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their mothers did for a living.All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his mother, he replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a cabaret and takes off all her clothes in front of men and they put money in her under-wear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your mother? "No," the boy said, "she works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton elected as our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks.
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights".
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I actually came in there for.
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.