Friday, December 30, 2016

RETIREMENT INSANITY

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
 
 

 
2.

 

 
On all your check stubs, write, "For Sexual Favors"
 
 
 

 
3.

 

 
Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.
 
 
 

 
4.

 

 
With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
 
 
 

 
5.

 

 
Sing along at The Opera.
 

 
 

 
6.

 

 
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
 
 

 
7.

 

 
When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
 
 
 

 
8.

 

 
Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....'
 
 

 
9.

 

 
Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
 

 
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favorite...    
 
 

 
10.

 

 
Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"
 

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

I am going to keep this blog for another year only because of the incredible amount of people who visit it on a regular basis. Do me a favor and tell me why. Do you like the jokes that I put on here? You can let me know by going down to the bottom of this thing and leave me a message.

Once again...MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Bill and Hillary

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.” Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”
Bill answered: “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

Friday, December 9, 2016

The New Alphabet

 
New Alphabet :
A is for apple, and B is for boat. That used to be right, but now it won't float!  Age before beauty is what we once said, but let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet: 
A is for arthritis; B is the bad back, C is the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
 
 D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for flatulence and fluid retention, G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention.
 
 H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it be low; I is for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L is for libido, what happened to sex?  M is for memory, I forget what comes next. N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
 
 P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
 S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know..
 W is for worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y is for another year I'm left here behind,Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind!
 I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
 
HAVE A GREAT DAY !

Friday, December 2, 2016

Clint Eastwood

CLINT EASTWOOD AT 84 - PREPARING TO SAY GOOD-BYE 
My Twilight Years at 84

If you realize each day is a gift, you may be near my age. As I enjoy my twilight years, I am often struck by the inevitability that the party must end. There will be a clear, cold morning when there isn't any "more." No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat.  

It seems to me that one of the important things to do before that morning comes, is to let every one of your family and friends know that you care for them by finding simple ways to let them know your heartfelt beliefs and the guiding principles of your life so they can always say, "He was my friend, and I know where he stood." 

So, just in case I'm gone tomorrow, please know this: I voted against that incompetent, lying, flip-flopping, insincere, double-talking, radical socialist, terrorist excusing, bleeding heart, narcissistic, scientific and economic moron currently in the White House!  I won't be voting for the 'that' woman who is running to replace him with the same old shit.  Participating in a gun buy-back program because you think that criminals have too many guns is like having yourself castrated because you think your neighbors have too many kids.”

Regards,
 

 
Clint Eastwood,
 
Make MY Day?

Sunday, November 27, 2016

MAN OF THE HOUSE

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
 Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law.'  You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.  You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.  You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. 
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have you cremated."
 
 

Saturday, November 19, 2016

MY LATEST RELEASED NOVEL

 Follow the story of Tony Franco who goes from a convicted criminal to an ordained Priest. Tony commits a crime and is locked up in a prison and yet, ultimately, becomes a priest. How did he go from one extreme to another after the death of a young boy? Against the Wind tells the story of the reconciliation of a man’s soul through the healing of another. This is a life changing event in Tony’s life and it impacts him because of his faith in God.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Men Are Just Happier People

Men Are Just Happier People --
  
Why?
  
Your last name stays put.
  
The garage is all yours.
  
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  
Chocolate is just another snack...
  
You can never be pregnant.
  
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
  
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  
The world is your urinal.
  
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
  
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  
Wrinkles add character.
  
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
  
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  
New shoes don't cut, blister, 
or mangle your feet.
  
One mood all the time.
  
Phone conversations are over 
in 30 seconds flat.
  
You know stuff about tanks.
  
A five-day vacation requires 
only one suitcase.
  
You can open all your own jars.
  
If someone forgets to invite you,
  
He or she can still be your friend.
  
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  
Everything on your face stays 
its original color.
  
The same hairstyle lasts for years, 
even decades.
  
You only have to shave your face and neck.
  
You can play with toys all your life.
  
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- 
one color for all seasons.
  
You can wear shorts no matter 
how your legs look.
  
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
  
You have freedom of choice 
concerning growing a mustache.
  
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24in 25 minutes.
  

Friday, November 11, 2016

A BLOND JOKE...SORRY

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
                ... 
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
  
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
 
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
 
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
 
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy on  ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
 
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
 
  Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
  
The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
 
  Bob took the money.