Monday, February 29, 2016

100 M.P.H. GOAT

Two West Virginia rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. 
Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you ?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . .headfirst into this here hole!!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible ...
 
I had him chained to a transmission."

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

23 ADULT TRUTHS

 
 
 
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
 
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
 
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
 
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
 
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
 
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
 
7. Map Quest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on # 5.  I'm  pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
 
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
 
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
 
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
 
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of  the day.
 
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray?  I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
 
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did  not make any changes to.
 
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
 
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
 
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers.  I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
 
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
 
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
 
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
 
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.  Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
 
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
 
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
 
23. I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.  The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music.  After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.  I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.  I  suddenly remembered that I was listening to my Ipod (with ear piece) -
 (This is what happens when old people start using technology!)
 
 
I Would Like To Add One.
 
At What Point-In-Life Did We Become "OLD PEOPLE " ???
 

Friday, February 19, 2016

This Is What We Seniors Go Thru:

 
 
The other day I went over to our nearby CVS Pharmacy. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the
Pharmacists' Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I Said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?" 

Being I'm a senior citizen... I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me, and picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his
tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing. When he finally was finished, I looked him right
in the eye asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?" 

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL, NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!
 
Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care because they aren't very friendly there anyway.
 

Friday, February 12, 2016

CHRISTIAN ONE LINERS

Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember,
Moses started out as a basket case. 

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Some people are kind, polite, and thoughtful 
Until you try to sit in their pews.  

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Many folks want to serve God,    
But only as advisers.
   

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It is easier to preach ten sermons
   
Than it is to live one. 


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The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, 
But mosquitoes come close.
    

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When you get to your wit's end, 
You'll find God lives there.
    

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People are funny; they want the
Front of the bus, 
Middle of the road, 
And back of the church.
   

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Opportunity may knock once, but
temptation bangs on the front door forever.
   

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Quit griping about your church;
   
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
   

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If a church wants a better pastor, 
It only needs to pray for the one it has.
   

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We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges. 

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God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until 
he is dead. So why should you?
   

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Some minds are like concrete
   
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
   

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Peace starts with a smile.
   

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I don't know why some people change churches; 
What difference does it make which one you stay home from? 


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Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em. 


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Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. 


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Don't put a question mark where God put a period. 


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Don' t wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church. 

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Forbidden fruits create many jams.
   

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God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
   

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God grades on the cross, not the curve.


*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
  
God loves everyone,
But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
     

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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. 

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He who angers you, controls you!
   

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If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!   

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Prayer: 
Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
   

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The task ahead of us is never as 
great as the Power behind us.
   

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The Will of God never takes you to where the 
Grace of God will not protect you.
   

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We don't change the message. 
The message changes us.


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You can tell how big a person is 
By what it takes to discourage him/her. 


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The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
    

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If this blessed you in a profound way today,
   
Share it with a few friends to bless them!
  
I bet someone else will LOVE it too.
  

 
There is no greater treasure than a good friend!

 

Saturday, February 6, 2016

EVER WONDER


1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? 
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 
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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?  *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
3.  OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known  as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
4.  If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? ! 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
5.  There are three religious truths: 
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. 
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6.   If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 
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7.  If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~* 
8.   Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
9  Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? 
* *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 
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11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it  follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys   deranged,  models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners  depressed? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
12.  If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 
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14.  What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald men? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
15.   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam. 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?  toothpicks? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
17.  Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
18.  If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
19.  You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. ! 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
21.  Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't  zigzag? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
23.  Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
24.   At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words   'The' and 'IRS' together it spells...      'THEIRS' 

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Men Are Sensitive, Too!

       A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not 
        in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for 
        him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup 
        of coffee in front of him.

 

        He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She 
        watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his 
        coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps 
        into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
 

        The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary 
        of the day we met.' 
        She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. 
        The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we 
        started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
        Once again, the wife is touched to tears.  'Yes, I do,' she 
        replies.
 

        The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you 
        remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'  
      
        'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the 
        chair beside him. 
        The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the 
        shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I 
        will send you to prison for 20 years?"

        'I remember that, too,' she replied softly. 
 
        He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,
 
        "I would have gotten out today.'*