Monday, May 30, 2016

ONE FUNNY!!!

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
 
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check
 
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check
 
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
 
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply
 
The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call"

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

GREAT TRIVIA

Did you know the saying "God willing and the Creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek  Indians and not a body of water?  It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in  the late 18th century.  He was a politician and Indian diplomat.   While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington.  In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise."  Because he capitalized the word "Creek" it is deduced that he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of  water.

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In George Washington's days, there were no cameras.  One's image was either sculpted or painted.  Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.  Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be  painted.  Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.   Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a  leg.'   (Artists know  hands and arms are more difficult to paint)

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  As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved  their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs.  Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them  they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes.  The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term  'big wig'...  Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

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   In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair.  Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining.  The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor.   Occasionally a guest, who was usually a  man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal.. To sit in the  chair meant you were important and in charge.  They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

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  Personal hygiene left much room for improvement..
  As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions.  When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.'   Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'.  In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. . . Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'

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  Ladies wore corsets,  which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace..

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   Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there  was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the  'Ace of  Spades...'  To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.  Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full  deck..'


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  Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the  people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios,  the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars.  They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times.  'You go sip here' and  'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'

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   At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized  containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming.  She had to pay close attention and remember who was  drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase minding your 'P's and Q's'.

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Friday, May 20, 2016

A GOLF STORY

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
 
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
 
The next day grandpa died.
 
The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."
 
The next day the grandmother died.
 
"Wow!" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
 
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.."
 
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.
 
He figured that if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he remained at his desk drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
 
Finally midnight arrived and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
 
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." 
 
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

ONLY A YOUNG FARM BOY WOULD SEE IT THIS WAY!

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

Thursday, May 12, 2016

KEEPER

I grew up with practical parents. A mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen before they had a name for it. A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.
Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dishtowel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep.
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.
But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more.
Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away ... never to return. So ... While we have it ... it's best we love it ... And care for it ... And fix it when it's broken ... And heal it when it's sick.
This is true. For marriage ... And old cars ... And children with bad report cards ... And dogs with bad hips ... And aging parents ... And grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special ... And so, we keep them close!
I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've sent it to the people I think of in the same way ... Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are "keepers" in your life.
Good friends are like stars ... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there. Keep them close!

Monday, May 9, 2016

GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE!

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 
when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So ...they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers,
past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, 
 
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railing'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" 
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . 

"Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. 

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, 
the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, 

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. 
You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."   

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed. 
 

Friday, May 6, 2016

CUTE JOKE!!!!


It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. He wasn't real sure, so to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

After several days, he got to thinking about it and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist said.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood to be prepared.

A week later , he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it's going to be a cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at the National Weather Service replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it's going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" asked the chief.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting a ton of firewood."