Tuesday, June 28, 2016

BANK ACCOUNT!!!



This is AWESOME ... something we should all remember.
 
A 92-year-old, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
 
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
 
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
 
I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
 
Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait..'
 
'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied.
 
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
 
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
 
'It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice;
 
I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
 
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away.. Just for this time in my life..
 
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
 
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!
 
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.
 
I am still depositing.
 
'Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
 
Pass this message to 7 people except me. You will receive a miracle tomorrow.
 
Now, STOP! Did you hear what I just said. You WILL receive a miracle
Tomorrow.. So send it right now!
Have a nice day, unless you already have other plans.





--
♥♥  May the love of a thousand angels be beside you. May the light of the brightest stars always guide you. May a well of peace be felt deep inside you. May the joy of dreams fulfilled always find you. ♥♥
 

Saturday, June 18, 2016

WHY ARE MEN SELDOM DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People --
  
Why?
  
Your last name stays put.
  
The garage is all yours.
  
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  
Chocolate is just another snack...
  
You can never be pregnant.
  
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
  
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  
The world is your urinal.
  
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
  
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  
Wrinkles add character.
  
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
  
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  
New shoes don't cut, blister, 
or mangle your feet.
  
One mood all the time.
  
Phone conversations are over 
in 30 seconds flat.
  
You know stuff about tanks.
  
A five-day vacation requires 
only one suitcase.
  
You can open all your own jars.
  
If someone forgets to invite you,
  
He or she can still be your friend.
  
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  
Everything on your face stays 
its original color.
  
The same hairstyle lasts for years, 
even decades.
  
You only have to shave your face and neck.
  
You can play with toys all your life.
  
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- 
one color for all seasons.
  
You can wear shorts no matter 
how your legs look.
  
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
  
You have freedom of choice 
concerning growing a mustache.
  
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24in 25 minutes.
  
  
___________________________________
  
Men Are Just Happier People
  
NICKNAMES
  
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
  
  
EATING OUT
  
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
  
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators...YEP!!!
  
  
MONEY
  
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
  
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
  
  
BATHROOMS
  
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
  
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
  
  
ARGUMENTS
  
A woman has the last word in any argument.
  
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
  
  
FUTURE
  
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
  
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  
  
MARRIAGE
  
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
  
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
  
  
DRESSING UP
  
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
  
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
  
  
NATURAL
  
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
  
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
  
  
OFFSPRING
  
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
  
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
  
  
  
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
  
A married man can forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
  
  
SO,       send this to the women who have a sense of humor     
  
and to the men who will admit to what’s true it!
  

Monday, June 13, 2016

GOOD STUFF!!!!!

PARAPROSDOKIANS ... are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous. Winston Churchill and Jack Benny are two of the many well known people who loved paraprodokians and often used them. Here are examples:
 
 
 
 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
 
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on my list.
 
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
 
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
 
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
 
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
 
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,'  then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
 
9. To steal ideas from  one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.
 
10.  Buses stop in bus stations.  Trains stop in train stations.  On my desk is a work station.
 
11. I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
 
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
 
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
 
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
 
15. Behind every successful man is his  woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
 
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
 
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
 
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
19.  There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so  they can't get away.
 
20. I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not so sure.
 
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
 
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
 
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
 
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
 

And mine  is.........
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it
s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
 
 

Thursday, June 2, 2016

AS I GET OLDER

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
 
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
 
3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
 
4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
 
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
 
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.  
 
7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
 
8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
 
9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free 
and three sizes smaller.
  
 
10. At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.