Thursday, July 28, 2016

DISORDER IN THE COURT

How do court stenographers keep a straight face? 
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the
exchanges were taking place.

 _______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s --- ing me?


_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town
, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Fish on Fridays

 


After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. 
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs 
she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down
in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,

 
…………..but I fish on Fridays.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton Go Ice Fishing…

 
How do you settle a presidential election when the vote is too close to call?
With an ice fishing contest, of course! 
 
After the first round of votes were counted, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were deadlocked.
Instead of going through a recount, the two agreed to a week-long ice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish at the end of the week would be the President.
 
The candidates decided a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds, but both candidates would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5pm.
 
After Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back with nothing.
 
Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once again came back with nothing!
That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of being a “low-life, cheatin’ son-of-a-gun.” Instead of fishing on Day 3, they were just going to follow Trump to spy on him and figure out how he was cheating.
 
Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total!
That night, Hillary and her democratic buddies got together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her report and said, “You are not going to believe this, he’s cutting holes in the ice!”
 
And that, my friends, tells you all you need to know about the intelligence on the left side of the aisle!

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

MY LATEST BOOK

'

Dale Marlowe drifted from town to town, taking odd jobs when he ran out of money until he met Rachel Armstrong and fell in love for the first time in his life. Shortly after they were married, Dale seemed to settle into a steady job and married life until his obsession raised its ugly head. He went back to heavy drinking and soon Rachel and Dale were arguing almost non-stop. Dale had had enough and went back to his drifting, but this time instead of taking odd jobs, he took people’s lives. Little did he know that his first victim would seal his fate. When Erv Meyers, a retired detective and his brother, Kramer learned about the rape and murder of their sister, they became as obsessed as the killer to find Marlowe and bring him to justice. What ensued was a multi-state killing spree and one of the most extensive manhunts in criminal history. The story is based on actual events.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

THIS IS ANOTHER GOOD ONE EVEN IF YOU LIKE HILLARY

This is the story of the young woman flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"

She then hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven"