How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the
exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s --- ing me?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I need a different attorney. Can I get a
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you attend?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Saturday, July 23, 2016
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs
she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down
in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
…………..but I fish on Fridays.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Dale Marlowe drifted from town to town, taking odd jobs when he ran out of money until he met Rachel Armstrong and fell in love for the first time in his life. Shortly after they were married, Dale seemed to settle into a steady job and married life until his obsession raised its ugly head. He went back to heavy drinking and soon Rachel and Dale were arguing almost non-stop. Dale had had enough and went back to his drifting, but this time instead of taking odd jobs, he took people’s lives. Little did he know that his first victim would seal his fate. When Erv Meyers, a retired detective and his brother, Kramer learned about the rape and murder of their sister, they became as obsessed as the killer to find Marlowe and bring him to justice. What ensued was a multi-state killing spree and one of the most extensive manhunts in criminal history. The story is based on actual events.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
This is the story of the young woman flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"
She then hears a voice on the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She then says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Hillary."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven"