Monday, August 29, 2016

ROBOT FOR SALE

father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
 
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house
 watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even
 know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
 
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot - For Sale

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

BRAIN EXERCISE

     man
1. ------------ 
    board 
 
 
 
 

 
  
Ans. = man overboard  

Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.
 
  

 


     
stand
2. ------------ 
        
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Ans. = I understand 

 
  



OK . 
 
Got the drift ? 

 
  

Let's try a few now and see
 how you fare ?  
 


3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ 

 
 
  


 


Ans. = reading between the lines 

 
  



4. 
  
        road          
  


Ans. = cross road 

 
  


Not having a good day now, are you ?

Redeem yourself.
 
  



5. cycle 
    cycle     cycle 
 
  


 


Ans. = tricycle 

 
  


Not easy to figure out ha! 

  



         
0
6. ------------ 
     M.D.      Ph.D. 
 
  



Ans. = two degrees below zero 

  


C'mon give it a little thought ! !
 
  



     

7. knee    light 
 
  

 


Ans. = neon light 
 
( knee - on - light ) 

 
  



U can prove u r smart by getting this one.

 
  



            
ground
8. 
     ---------------
feet feet feet feet feet feet 

 
 
 
  

 


Ans. = six feet underground 

  


Oh no, not again ! ! 

  



9. he's X himself 

 
  


 


Ans. = he's by himself 

  


Now u messing up big time. 

  



10. ecnalg 

 
  


 


Ans. = backward glance 

 
  


Not even close ! ! 

  



11. death ..... life 

 
  


 


Ans. = life after death 

 
  


Okay last chance . 


12. THINK 

 
  



 


Ans. = think big ! ! 

  



And the last one is real fun - - -
 
  



13. abababababababababababababababababababab... 

  


 


Ans. = long time no 'C'
 
TAKE CARE HAVE FUN!

Saturday, August 20, 2016

THINGS TO PONDER

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
 
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life obviously sucks!
 
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.  I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
 
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
 
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named “ Sag Harbor .”
 
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
 
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.


This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a



Woman
In a brand new
Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
For a couple seconds...
To continue shaving

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt
And
I dropped
 
My electric shaver
Which knocked

The donut
Out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying
To straighten out the car

Using my knees against
The steering wheel,

It knocked
 
My Cell Phone
Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee
Between my legs!
Splashed,

And burned

Big Dell and the Twins,
Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an
Important call.

Damn women drivers!

Sunday, August 14, 2016

I AM A CHURCH GOER AND THESE ARE AWESOME!

Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember,
Moses started out as a basket case. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some people are kind, polite, and thoughtful 
Until you try to sit in their pews.  

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God,    
But only as advisers.
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

It is easier to preach ten sermons
   
Than it is to live one. 


*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose,
But mosquitoes come close.
    

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.
    

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

People are funny; they want the
Front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

Opportunity may knock once, but
temptation bangs on the front door forever.
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
Quit griping about your church;
   
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
  
If a church wants a better pastor,
It only needs to pray for the one it has.
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until
he is dead. So why should you?
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
Some minds are like concrete
   
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

Peace starts with a smile.
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from? 


*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+* 

Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em. 


*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. 


*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
Don't put a question mark where God put a period. 


*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
Don' t wait for 6 strong men
to take you to church. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
God grades on the cross, not the curve.


*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
  
God loves everyone,
But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
     

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. 

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
He who angers you, controls you!
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
 
The task ahead of us is never as
great as the Power behind us.
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.
   

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
We don't change the message.
The message changes us.


*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
   
You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him/her. 


*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
  
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
    

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If this blessed you in a profound way today,
   
Share it with a few friends to bless them!
  
I bet someone else will LOVE it too.
  

 
There is no greater treasure than a good friend!

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

ON TRIAL FOR MURDER

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
 
In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trickbeing a typical ass that he was.
 
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.  "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."  He looked toward the courtroom door.  The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
 
A minute passed.  Nothing happened.
 
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
 
The jury retired to deliberate.  A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
 
 
"But how?" inquired the lawyer.  "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
 
The jury foreman replied:
 
"Yes, we did look, But your client didn't.

Friday, August 5, 2016

THIS IS A GOOD ONE!!!!

How do court stenographers keep a straight face? 
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the
exchanges were taking place.

 _______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s --- ing me?


_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town
, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

Monday, August 1, 2016

AS I AGE

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:
  
1. I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me 
off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that 
needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, 
I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment.  Now it's 
like a mini vacation.

7. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

8. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
  
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my 
knees.

10. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please,  I text 
back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

11. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and 
remembering why