Monday, September 26, 2016

DONALD AND THE POPE

Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy.  He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Saturday afternoon cruise.  It was a rather windy day. The Pope's little hat, his zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water.
     A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto.  Trump told the crewman not to bother.  Trump climbed down the yacht's ladder; walked across the waves, picked up the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope.  The Pope and the press corps were amazed!
Donald Trump could actually walk on water!
     Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of the world.
     The next morning the New York Times headline read . . . .
                                                 
DONALD TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!!! 

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

ONE OF MY SHORT STORIES


PRAISE BESTOWED


It was cold and windy that day. The sun was now slipping into shadows spreading a cold darkness across the land. I stood there in this hallowed and honorable place on earth where those before us rest in peace.

It was the day before Christmas, and I felt a need, nay, a yearning to be near those who cared the most for me and my well being all those years ago. As I stood before the markers of where my mother, father, grandparents, uncles and aunts lie in eternal peace, I look back on a life of happiness, grief and regrets, and yet a childhood of love and affection. For these loving souls were there for me guiding my life to do what was right, honest and to live a life that would make God proud. For it was not only their guidance and instructions that inspired my doing the right thing but the very example that they provided. To teach a lesson is by far easier than living a life without regrets, and so it was with these respected elders of mine.

The wind seemed colder now as the sun had now all but disappeared. I gazed across the snow-covered land and remember those Christmases of long ago. There were green and gaily decorated trees with brightly colored packages scattered about. Loving secrets were kept from little ears, and loving relatives shared secret plans of things to come. Some things come into our lives and are dismissed with little thought and earn no place in our memories, but those days surrounding the Christmases of our youth will be with us always.

I turned my eyes to the place where my mother rests. She died so young. I miss her so much. I had so little time with her. It seemed such a waste, and yet in a way, I am happy for her for I know she is in a far better place than we know. My father lies now beside her, both at peace, bound together by eternal love. What greater tribute can I bestow upon these two wonderful people than to kneel down on one knee and say thank you and I praise my memories of you.

And now as I approach the later years of life, I too wonder what the future holds and will I get to see my grandchildren live their lives. For it has been said that the greatest wonderment lies before us, and our time here on earth is in the hands of our Creator. As I approach my seventh decade, the mystery becomes even greater. The start of each decade before was cause for little or no concern, but as I enter the seventh, I realize there is anything but promise that I will see beyond it. I look back on a life of regrets and broken dreams, of promises broken and unfulfilled. I ask forgiveness for the mistakes and transgressions that forever haunt my very soul. We travel though life taking roads of uncertainty and those with little or no reward, and yet the ones that remain with us and will be with us to our graves are the ones we truly regret.

I got to my feet and gazed over the snow-covered tombstones. Some were friends, and some were of kin to me, and some to whom my heart still clings. If I could have my life to live over, I would not ask for riches or even eternal happiness, I would ask for one chance, just one moment more to spend with these wonderful and loved two people I called Mom and Dad. And the regret that I will carry to my grave is not expressing my love for them. For life’s biggest treasure is to love and to be loved, and life’s biggest regret is not knowing this simple truth.

I stepped back from the graves and wiped the tears from my eyes. It was now beginning to snow. I knew that it was time for me to go, for I had not dressed as warmly as I should have. Already snow was collecting on the stones hiding the lives and memories of two loved and loving people. “Merry Christmas,” I uttered softly, turned and walked away.




Monday, September 19, 2016

Donald Trump and the media


Seeking a weekend break from his campaign rallies; Donald Trump jetted to his yacht, which was docked off the coast of Italy.  He invited Pope Francis and the press corps on board for a Saturday afternoon cruise.  It was a rather windy day. The Pope's little hat, his zucchetto, was blown from his head and into the water.
     A crewman began lowering a boat to retrieve the zucchetto.  Trump told the crewman not to bother.  Trump climbed down the yacht's ladder; walked across the waves, picked up the zucchetto; walked back to the yacht and handed it to the Pope.  The Pope and the press corps were amazed!
Donald Trump could actually walk on water!
     Speculation immediately began as to how ABC, CNN, NBC, ABC, The Washington Post and New York Times would report this miraculous event to the rest of the world.
     The next morning the New York Times headline read . . ..
                                                 
DONALD TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!!! 

Monday, September 12, 2016

The new Little Blue Hen


 
Who would have ever thought the barnyard could tell it so well?
"Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the Little Red Hen?
"Not I," said the cow. 
"Not I," said the duck. 
"Not I," said the pig. 
"Not I," said the goose. 
"Then I will do it by myself."  She planted her crop and the wheat grew and ripened.  
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the Little Red Hen?
"Not I," said the duck. 
"Out of my classification," said the pig. 
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. 
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. 
"Then I will do it by myself," said the Little Red Hen, and so she did.  
"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the Little Red Hen? 
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow 
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. 
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig. 
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose. 
"Then I will do it by myself," said the Little Red Hen.
She baked five loaves and the wonderful aroma filled the land, all of her neighbors couldn't help but enjoy the fragrance.  They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share but the Little Red Hen said, "No, I have worked hard on all five loaves, and I will freeze what I don't eat."
"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi) 
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer) 
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson) 
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Harry Reid) 
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the Little Red Hen shouting obscenities.  
Then the farmer (Obama) came.  He said to the Little Red Hen, "You must not be so greedy."  
"But I worked and earned the bread," said the Little Red Hen.
"Exactly," said Barack the farmer.  "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful.  Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants.  But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are not working and idle." 
And they all lived happily ever after, including the Little BLUE Hen who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I
truly understand."  But her neighbors became quite
disappointed in her since she never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free.   'Fairness' had been established. 
Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared, so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.  Hillary got $8 million for hers.  That's $20
million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything... and one is now
running for President!!! 
 
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

A TOUCHING STORY ABOUT HOW MEN CARE

As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 
"I'm beginning to think you're freakin' bad luck!"
 
 

Friday, September 2, 2016

LETTERS MEAN SOMETHING

A motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.

The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him he had just ran a red light.  The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry,
sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. 
  
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.  The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH"
and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to
represent him.  On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
 
Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make 
?
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." 
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?