Monday, October 31, 2016

A REDNECK JOKE

Two West Virginia rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?"

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there.
Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you ?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . .headfirst into this here hole!!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible ...
I had him chained to a transmission."

Monday, October 24, 2016

THE OLD COW

   
>> Late one evening,while the campaign motorcade proceeded down a lonely rural road in west Texas, a very aged cow that had wandered away from its farm pasture suddenly stepped onto the road directly in the path of the oncoming vehicles.The Secret Service limo driver tried to avoid the aging bovine but just couldn't stop the car in time. Unfortunately, the old cow was struck and killed.
>>  
>> From the back seat of the limo,Hillary Clinton demanded that her driver to go up to the nearby farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
>>  
>> She insisted,however,that the agent should resist any request from the farmer to pay for the animal, and she added, "You killed it, so if they demand money, it will come out of your own pocket!"
>>  
>> Meanwhile,Hillary stayed in the car making phone calls on her unsecured cell phone.
>>  
>> About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
>>  
>> He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
>>  
>> "What happened to you?" asked Hillary.
>>  
>> "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.
>>  
>> "I had just stepped inside the door and said,
>> ‘I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.’ "
>>  
>> "The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
>>  

Sunday, October 16, 2016

The new Little Blue Hen

 
 
Who would have ever thought the barnyard could tell it so well?
"Who will help me plant my wheat?" asked the Little Red Hen?
"Not I," said the cow. 
"Not I," said the duck. 
"Not I," said the pig. 
"Not I," said the goose. 
"Then I will do it by myself."  She planted her crop and the wheat grew and ripened.  
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the Little Red Hen?
"Not I," said the duck. 
"Out of my classification," said the pig. 
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. 
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. 
"Then I will do it by myself," said the Little Red Hen, and so she did.  
"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the Little Red Hen? 
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow 
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. 
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig. 
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose. 
"Then I will do it by myself," said the Little Red Hen.
She baked five loaves and the wonderful aroma filled the land, all of her neighbors couldn't help but enjoy the fragrance.  They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share but the Little Red Hen said, "No, I have worked hard on all five loaves, and I will freeze what I don't eat."
"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi) 
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer) 
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson) 
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Harry Reid) 
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the Little Red Hen shouting obscenities.  
Then the farmer (Obama) came.  He said to the Little Red Hen, "You must not be so greedy."  
"But I worked and earned the bread," said the Little Red Hen.
"Exactly," said Barack the farmer.  "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful.  Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants.  But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are not working and idle." 
And they all lived happily ever after, including the Little BLUE Hen who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I
truly understand."  But her neighbors became quite
disappointed in her since she never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free.   'Fairness' had been established. 
Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared, so long as there was free bread that 'the rich' were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.  Hillary got $8 million for hers.  That's $20
million for the memories from two people, who for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything... and one is now
running for President!!! 
 
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT?

Friday, October 7, 2016

Ruminations from a Geezer



·       My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

·        Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes.  Really, just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce.  And cheese.   OK, it was a pizza.   I ate a pizza.

·        How to prepare tofu:   1. Throw it in the trash.   2. Grill some meat.

·        I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

·        I don't mean to brag but...I finished my 14-day diet in three hours and 20 minutes.

·        A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

·        Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

·        Senility has been a smooth transition for me. 

·        Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school?  Me neither.

·        I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented...I forgot where I was going with this.

·        I love being over 70. I learn something new every day...and forget five others.

·        A thief broke into my house last night...he started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

paraprosdokian

paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected and oft times very humorous.
 
·      If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
 
·     I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you. 

·      
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. 

·     
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 

·      
I'm great at multi-tasking -- I  can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once .   

·      
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

·     
Take my advice — I'm not using it. 

·     
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met . 

·     
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were. 

·     
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 

·     
Ever stop to think and forget to start again? 

·     
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking. 

·      
He who laughs last thinks slowest. 

·     
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly? 

·      
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type. 

·     
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. 

·     
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

·      
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it. 

·    
  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

·  
    Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. 

·   
   If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? 

·     
Money is the root of all wealth. 

·  
    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.