Friday, December 15, 2017

THEATER SEATS FOR SENIORS

 An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the
movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager.

Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with
no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy
what's your name?"

"Joe," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Joe?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Joe replied...

"The balcony.”

Sunday, December 10, 2017

A LATE HAPPY THANKSGIVING

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. 

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. 

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. 

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. 

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?" 



HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

TWELVE SHORT STORIES

These twelve short stories are all very good stories and make us think twice about the daily happenings in our lives as we deal with others!!
1. Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I'm   working on for my Psychology class.  When I asked her to define success in   her own words, she said;
"Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile."
------------------------------
2.  Today, I asked my mentor - a very successful business man in his 70s-  what his top 3 tips are for success.  He smiled and said;
"Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do
  something no one else is doing."
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3.   Today, after my 72 hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me  at the grocery store and gave me a hug.  When I tensed up, she realized I   didn't recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most  sincere smile and said;
"On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center."
------------------------------ -------------------------
4.  Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side   of the road holding him and crying.  And just before he died;
he licked the tears off my face.
------------------------------ -------------------------
5.  Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so   I went into work. At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat   tire.  When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too.
A man in   a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job.
I start tomorrow.
------------------------------ -------------------------
6.  Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my   mother's hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died. 
She simply said, "I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often."
------------------------------ -------------------------
7. Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small   hospital bed. About 5 seconds after he Passed,
I realized it was the first  time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.
------------------------------ -------------------------
8.  Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start   recycling. I chuckled and asked, "Why?" She replied, "So you can help me   save the planet." I chuckled again and asked, "And why do you want to save   the planet?"
Because that's where I keep all my stuff," she said.
------------------------------ -------------------------
9. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing   hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter's antics, I suddenly realized that,
I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.
------------------------------ -------------------------
10.  Today, a boy in a wheelchair  saw me desperately struggling on crutches  with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me.   He   helped me all the  way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said,
"I hope you feel better soon."
------------------------------ -------------------------
11.   Today, I was feeling down because the results of a biopsy came back  malignant. When I got home, I opened an e-mail that said, "Thinking of you  today. If you need me, I'm a phone call away."
It was from a high school   friend I hadn't seen in 10 years.
------------------------------ --------------------------
12.   Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe.  He  said he hadn't eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and  unhealthy.  Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was Eating.
The first thing the man said was, "We can share it.
------------------------------ --------------------------
The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

THE YEAR IS 1910

1910 Ford 


 
 Show this to your friends!
 
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
 
The year is 1910 One hundred six years ago. What a difference a century makes! 
 
Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:
 
************ ********* ************
 
The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
 
Fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only.
 
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
 
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
 
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
 
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
 
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
 
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
 
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
 
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year,
a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
 
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.
 
Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
 
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press
AND the government as 'substandard.'
 
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.  
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
 
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
 
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
 
The Five leading causes of death were:
 
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
 
The American flag had 45 stars.
 
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!
 
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.
 
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
 
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and
only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
 
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
 
Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates
the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'....
 
( Shocking? DUH! )
 
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
 
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U. S. A.!
 
I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.
From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD - all in a matter of seconds!
 
 
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
 

Saturday, November 25, 2017

USELESS FACTS

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2". ( I don't get this one ? Unless you're talking timber sizes )

8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur," a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston's wearing a watch).

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries... .)

10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564, 000.

13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.

15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)

17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen' s "Born in the USA."

19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, "Elementary, my dear Watson."

28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!

29. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!