Sunday, January 29, 2017

Lunch with the Pope


President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.   It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."
The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.  No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN reported:

"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM!"

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

OLD AGE

A 92-year-old, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
 
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.
 
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.
 
I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
 
Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait..'
 
'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied.
 
Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.
 
Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged .. it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
 
'It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice;
 
I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
 
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away.. Just for this time in my life..
 
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.
 
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!
 
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.
 
I am still depositing.
 
'Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 
1. Free your heart from hatred. 
2. Free your mind from worries. 
3. Live simply. 
4. Give more. 
5. Expect less.
 
Pass this message to 7 people except me. You will receive a miracle tomorrow.
 
Now, STOP! Did you hear what I just said. You WILL receive a miracle 
Tomorrow.. So send it right now! 
Have a nice day, unless you already have other plans.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Elderly Couple

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was  more of a no-nonsense guy.


One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.  She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

”If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.
" I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet.    Please advise."

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Another Cute One!

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. 
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs 
she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to
stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband
watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down
in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

A FARMER'S JOKE

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."