Tuesday, March 28, 2017

ROBOT FOR SALE

father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
 
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house
 watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even
 know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
 
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot - For Sale

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Things you'll probably never hear a Southern Boy say

 
30. When I retire, I’m movin’ north.
29. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won’t fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
26. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
25. You can’t feed that to the dog.
24. No  kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We’re vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancĂ©, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
8. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate
6. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
4. I don’t have a favorite college team.
3. Youse Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I’m driving a whole busload of us down to help re-elect OBAMA.
 

Monday, March 6, 2017

HEART WARMING

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls.
 
He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
 
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
 
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
 
The boy dropped his head for moment.Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
 
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
 
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.
 
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
 
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy  noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
 
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid.Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling  toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
 
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He  will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
 
With that, the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so, he revealed a steel  brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
 
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
 
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup.
 
 
Holding it carefully, he handed it to the little boy.
 
"How much?" asked the little boy... "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
 
The world is full of people who need someone who understands.