Tuesday, April 25, 2017

A BLOND JOKE...sorry

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPARTMENT.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. 

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth." So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?” The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a side profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. 

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He has only one ear!" 

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is side picture profile of the man's face! Of course you can see only one ear! You're excused, too!" 

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?" 

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,

"Well, Helloooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Thursday, April 20, 2017

CLASS REUNION

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.
  
After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
 
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.   
 
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy?  25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.  
 
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"  

Friday, April 14, 2017

THOSE ITALIANS

The elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.   While suffering the agonies
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli
wafting to his room.   He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted
himself from the bed.   Gripping the nightstand then the bed to the door.
As he reached the door frame of the kitchen, gazing in the kitchen, where if
not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his
favorite ravioli.  Was this heaven?  Or the final act of love by his wife of
60 years.   He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a
crumpled posture.   His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the
ravioli was already in his mouth.  With a trembling hand he reached up to
the edge of the table, where suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by
his wife. 
"Hands off! Those are for the funeral."

Sunday, April 9, 2017

THE SENSITIVITY OF MEN

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
 
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is  especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and
will make delivery that much easier.  Just pace yourself, make plenty
of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces,  like a grass path."
 
"Gentlemen,  remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you
to go walking with  her.  In fact, that shared experience would be
good for you both."
 
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this
information. After a few  moments a man, named Jerry, at the back of
the room, slowly raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering .  .  . would it be all right if she carries a golf bag?"
 
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
 
 
THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60 !

IF YOU AREN'T 60, DON'T BOTHER.

>  
>
> Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room 
> at each side.
>
> With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from 
> your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full 
> minute, and then relax.
>
> Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit 
> longer.
>
> After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
>
> Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can 
> lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more 
> than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
>
> After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag