Thursday, May 25, 2017

Jack took a long look at his speedometer
Before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone.
Fourth time in as many months..
How could a guy get caught so often?

 



When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour,
Jack pulled over, but only partially.
Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard..
Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.
The cop was stepping out of his car,
The big pad in hand..

 





Bob? Bob from Church?
Jack sunk farther into his trench coat.
This was worse than the coming ticket.
A cop catching a guy from his own church.
A guy who happened to be a little eager
To get home after a long day at the office..
A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow..



 
 





Jumping out of the car,
He approached a man he saw every Sunday,
A man he'd never seen in uniform.

 


'Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this.'

 



'Hello, Jack.' No smile.

 





'Guess you caught me red-handed
In a rush to see my wife and kids.'

 





'Yeah, I guess.' Bob seemed uncertain.
Good.

 



'I've seen some long days at the office lately.
I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once.'

 


Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement.
'Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight.
Know what I mean?' 












'I know what you mean.
I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct .'
Ouch.
This was not going in the right direction.
Time to change tactics.

 





'What'd you clock me at?'

 





'Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?'

 





'Now wait a minute here, Bob.
I checked as soon as I saw you.
I was barely nudging 65.'
The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

 





'Please, Jack, in the car'

 





Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard..
He was in no rush to open the window.

 





The minutes ticked by.
Bob scribbled away on the pad..

 





Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?

 





Whatever the reason,
It would be a month of Sundays
Before Jack ever sat near this cop again. 













A tap on the door jerked his head to the left.
There was Bob, a folded paper in hand
Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches,
Just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

 





'Thanks..'
Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

 





Bob returned to his police car without a word.
Jack watched his retreat in the mirror.
Jack unfolded the sheet of paper.
How much was this one going to cost?

 
 


Wait a minute.
What was this? Some kind of joke?

 





Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

 


'Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter..
She was six when killed by a car.
You guessed it - a speeding driver.
A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free.
Free to hug his daughters, all three of them.
I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven
Before I can ever hug her again.

 





A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man.
 
A thousand times I thought I had.
 
Maybe I did, but I need to do it again.
 
Even now.
Pray for me.
And be careful, Jack,
my son is all I have left.'

 





'Bob'

 



Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car
pull away and head down the road.
Jack watched until it disappeared.
A full 15 minutes later, he too,
pulled away and drove slowly home,
praying for forgiveness and
hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived... 




Life is precious.
Handle with care.
This is an important message;
please pass it along to your friends.
Drive safely and carefully.
Remember, cars are not the only things
recalled by their maker.
 

Sunday, May 21, 2017

FIFTY BUCKS IS FIFTY BUCKS

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year.
 
And every year Ed would say, " Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
 
Norma always replied, "I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
 
and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
 
Then one year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said,
" Norma, I'm 75 years old.  If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
 
To this, Norma replied,
 
" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks" 
 
The pilot overheard the couple and said," Folks I'll make you a deal.  I'll take the both of you for a ride. 
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
 
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
 
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.
 
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
 
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
 
But still not a word...
 
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,
 
"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed! "
 
Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth
 
I almost said something when Norma fell out,
 
But you know,
 
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

A BANK ROBBER

 A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!
> > >
> > >             He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
> > >
> > >             Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
> > >
> > >             "Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber. Then follows a tense minute of silence.
> > >
> > >             An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says,   "I thinka my wife caughta a glimpse."
> > >

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

But enough about me.........

 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

But enough about me.........

 
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ... and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

GETTING MARRIED

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
 
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.
 
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
 
After a long period of silence she finally spoke, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking,
now that we are married, maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here
in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your tools, along with
your guns & fishing gear and that stupid vintage Harley.”
 
Tom got a horrified look on his face and began choking.
 
She said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
 
He replied, “There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
 
“Ex-wife!” she screamed, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”
 
Tom replied: “I wasn’t.”