Tuesday, June 27, 2017

HILLARY

Hillary phoned the President's office shortly after midnight.

“I need to talk to President Trump right now, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary

After some cajoling, the President's Assistant agreed to go wake him up.

“So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, grumbled Trump.

“A Supreme Court Justice just died, and I want to take her place,” begged Hillary.


“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary”, replied President Trump as he hung up.

Friday, June 23, 2017

A LITTLE BOY

 A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.  As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked,?  "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"?  The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street?  two blocks and turn to your right.? It's on the left."?  The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said,  "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy?come to church on Sunday,  I'll show you how to get to Heaven."?  The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're shitting me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."

Monday, June 19, 2017

A DRUNK MAN

A  drunk man who smelled like a brewery  sat down on  a subway next to a priest.
The man ' s tie was  stained, his face  was  plastered with red lipstick,  and
a  half-empty bottle of gin was  sticking   out of his  torn coat pocket.  He opened  his newspaper and  began  reading.

After a few minutes the  man   turned to  the priest and asked,  'Say  Father,
what causes  arthritis? '

The priest  replies, ' My Son, it's caused by  loose living,   being  with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,  contempt for your fellow man, sleeping  around with prostitutes  and lack of  personnel hygiene
The drunk muttered in  response,   'Well,I'll be damned, '   Then returned to his paper.

The priest,  thinking about what  he had said,  nudged the man   and
apologized.  'I'm very sorry.  I didn't  mean to come on so strong.  How  long have you had arthritis? '

The  drunk answered, ' I don't  have it,  Father.   I was just  reading here that the Pope  does.'  


MORAL:  Make sure you  understand the question before offering the  answer
 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

SOME MORE JOKES

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' 
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' 
______________________________ _____________ 


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 
1. Their DNA all matches. 
2. There are no dental records. 
______________________________ _____________ 


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' 
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. 

______________________________ _____________ 


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 
'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.' 
______________________________ _____________ 


Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' 
Joe: 'Really?' 
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.' 
______________________________ _____________ 


A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 
'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 
'Oops!' 

______________________________ _____________ 


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' 
He's still in intensive care. 

______________________________ _____________ 

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

A FEW QUICK JOKES

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values. 
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' 
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' 

______________________________ _____________ 


A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' 
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.' 

______________________________ _____________ 


'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.' 
______________________________ _____________ 


A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' 

Thursday, June 1, 2017

A FUNNY POWER OUTAGE

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby... Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his bottom again!'