Sunday, July 30, 2017

BUBBA AND EARL

Bubba and  Earl  were on vacation out of state, walking 
downtown, window shopping, and they see a 
sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 
each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Hey, Earl. Look here! 
We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em 
back to Georgia, sell 'em and make us enough 
beer money for a coup'la months."

"Just let me do the talk'n 'cause if they 
hear your accent, they might think we're 
ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to 
us.  Now, I'll talk in one of 'em slow Texas 
drawls so's they don't know we's from Georgia!"

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake 
Texas drawl, "I'll take 50 of them there suits at 
$5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 
pairs of them there trousers at $2.39.  I'll just 
back up my pickup and....."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll 
from Georgia , ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. 
"How come ya'll knowed that?"

"Because this here's a Dry-Cleaners."

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

 I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any
trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation
towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

 I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for
freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight,
live longer than the men who mention it.

 Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X
and wondered Y?

 America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the
ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That's your common sense leaving your body.

 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?

 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on
her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

 Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

 You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple
of payments.

 I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do
they just give you an underwire undergarment and say, “Here, fill this out?”;

 I can’t understand why women are okay with the fact that JC Penny has an older
women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”;

 My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. I’m pretty sure he was hitting on me.

 My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried
about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

 Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If
you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

 The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure
she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house
you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely
out of tattoos.

 Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

 The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.
The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.






Tuesday, July 18, 2017

WASTEFUL OLDER PEOPLE

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.
The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."
 
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
 
The older lady said that she was right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to explain:
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
 
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling's. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. 
We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
 
But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.
 
Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
  
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
 
 
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
 
 
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the"green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
 
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?
 
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.
 
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

Friday, July 14, 2017

CHILD BIRTH AT 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend
of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and
went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby
now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 
'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?'

Monday, July 10, 2017

LORD, I HATE...

A visiting Priest was attending a men’s breakfast in Ohio Farm County.  He asked one of the impressive older farmers in attendance to say grace that morning.  After all were seated, the older farmer began------
 
“Lord, I hate buttermilk.”
 
The Priest opened one eye and wondered to himself where this was going.
Then the farmer loudly proclaimed, “Lord, I hate lard.”
Now the Priest was overly worried.  However without missing a beat, the farmer prayed on, “And Lord, you know I don’t care much for raw white flour.”
Just as the Priest was ready to stand and stop everything, the farmer continued,
“But Lord, when you mix ‘em all together and bake ‘em up, I do love fresh biscuits.  So Lord, when things come up we don’t like, when life gets hard, when we just don’t understand what you are sayin' to us, we just need to relax and wait ‘till  You are done mixin’, and probably it will be somethin' even better than biscuits.
Amen.”

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

THIS IS ALL TRUE

Many years ago, a young man was sitting on a couch on a hot, humid day, sipping frozen juice   during a visit with his father.

As he talked about adult life, marriage, responsibilities, and obligations, the father thoughtfully   cast a clear, sober look on his son.

"Never forget your friends," he advised, "they will become more important as you get older."

"Regardless of how much you love your family and the children you happen to have, you will   always need friends. Remember to go out with them occasionally, do activities with them,   call them ..."

"What strange advice," thought the young man. "I just entered the married world, I am an adult, and surely my wife and the family that we will start will be everything I need to make sense of my life."

Yet he heeded his father; kept in touch with his friends and annually increased their number.

Over the years, he became aware that his father knew what he was talking about.

Inasmuch as time and nature carry out their designs and mysteries on a man, friends are the   bulwarks of one’s life.

After 70 years of life, here is what has been learned.

Time passes. Life goes on. The distance separates. Children grow up. Children cease to be children   and become independent. And to the parents it breaks their heart, but children are separated   from the parents.

Jobs come and go. Illusions, desires, attraction, sex ... weaken. People do not do what they should do.

The heart breaks. Parents die. Colleagues forget the favors. The races are over.

But, true friends are always there, no matter how long or how many miles they are.

A friend is never more distant than the reach of a need,  intervening in your favor, waiting for you   with open arms, or blessing your life.

When we started this adventure called LIFE, we did not know of the joys or sorrows that were ahead.

We did not know how much we would need from each other. Love your parents, take care of your   children, but keep a group of good friends. Dialogue with them but do not impose your criteria.

    Refer this text to all friends who help make sense of your life .. I already did it.