Tuesday, August 29, 2017

HE OWNS A BUSINESS

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
 IRS  AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
 Boat  Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.  Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
 
IRS  AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
   
Boat  Owner: "That would be me. What would you 

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

WASTEFUL OLDER FOLKS

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment.
The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."
 
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
 
The older lady said that she was right -- our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on to explain:
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
 
Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribbling's. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags. 
We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
 
But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.
 
Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
  
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
 
 
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
 
 
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the"green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
 
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?
 
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person.
 
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

A LOVE STORY

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,

"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know.  In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.  Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession but said, "I never suspected ... can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. 

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.  You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? 

Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." 

"I recall that," said Henry.  "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.  Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said.  "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Friday, August 11, 2017

A HOMELESS MAN

I talked to a to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.  He said, "Up until last month, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat,
my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym,  and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

 "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled

Friday, August 4, 2017

Angels As Explained by Children

HOW INVENTIVE AND CUTE!!  And some are soooo funny! 
 
ENJOY
 
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
-Olive, age 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die.
Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, age 9 
 
 
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God
Has to go do something else. -Mitchell, age 7 
 
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. -Henry, age 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! -Jack, age 6
 
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up
To heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, age 9 
 
 
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado. 
-Reagan, age 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy.
If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. 
Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. 
-Sara, age 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his
Son, who's a very good carpenter. 
-Jared, age 8 

All angels are girls because they gotta wear
Dresses and boys didn't go for it. 
-Antonio, age 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got
a big head-start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. -Ashley ~ age 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if They don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. 
- Vicki , age 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone
Is in love, they shoot arrows at them. 
 
- Sarah , age 7
How Could I Not Send This To All Of You ... So Awesome!!! ... And As they Say ...
No One Say's it Better Than A Child...