Tuesday, September 26, 2017

ENTERTAINMENT NIGHT

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see
"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"S_ _T," shouted Claude.

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Missing Rodney Dangerfield

 
 
You just can't read this without seeing his eyes rolling, and him
pulling at his necktie...
 
He said: "With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, how can I get
my kite in the air?He told me to run off a cliff."
 
I went to a massage parlor, it was self-service.
 
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose, last night she used me to
time an egg.
 
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet
she won't drink from my glass.
 
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
 
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went
over, nobody was home.
 
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
 
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
 
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are
you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said, "No, I hate myself now."
 
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
 
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen
the roaches hang themselves.
 
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
 
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
 
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
 
I know I'm not sexy, when I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
 
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
 
My wife likes to talk to me during sex, last night she called me from a hotel.
 
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't
have had anything to play with.
 
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a
button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to
the bathroom.
 
I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.
 
I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and radio.
 
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told
me that she only liked me as a friend.
 
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came
with his wallet.
 
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, but he pulled through
anyway."
 
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness after I was born.
 
I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
 
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find
my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He
said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
 
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
 
I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
 
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I
look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He
said, "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
 
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
 
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a
pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm.
Last night he went on the paper four times, three of those times I was
reading it.
 
One year they wanted to make me a poster boy for birth control.
 
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap, he was in the
electric chair.
 
That's Why We Miss Rodney.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

The Cynical Philosopher

 I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any
trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation
towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

 I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for
freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight,
live longer than the men who mention it.

 Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X
and wondered Y?

 America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the
ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That's your common sense leaving your body.

 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?

 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on
her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

 Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

 You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple
of payments.

 I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do
they just give you an underwire undergarment and say, “Here, fill this out?”;

 I can’t understand why women are okay with the fact that JC Penny has an older
women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”;

 My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. I’m pretty sure he was hitting on me.

 My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried
about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

 Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If
you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

 The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure
she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house
you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely
out of tattoos.

 Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

 The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.
The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

ENTERTAINMENT NIGHT

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see
"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"S_ _T," shouted Claude.

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

THE POPE

The Pope
went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of
Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic
commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat
wearing shorts, sandals, and an old  'Vote for Hillary' tee shirt.

The man
was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying
to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the
Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers all wearing 'Go
Trump' shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into
the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious
Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three
loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while
the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him "I give you
my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have
heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic Party supporters, but now I've seen with my own eyes that
this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy? 
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "Its reported that he has
access to all wisdom".

"Well," the other logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about
bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go
back to California and get another one?"