I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any
trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation
towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for
freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight,
live longer than the men who mention it.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X
and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the
ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on
her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do
they just give you an underwire undergarment and say, “Here, fill this out?”;
♦ I can’t understand why women are okay with the fact that JC Penny has an older
women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”;
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. I’m pretty sure he was hitting on me.
♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried
about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If
you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure
she’s going to get me something.
♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house
you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely
out of tattoos.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.
The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.