Thursday, September 14, 2017

The Cynical Philosopher

 I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any
trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation
towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

 I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for
freedom until they are flashing behind you.

 A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight,
live longer than the men who mention it.

 Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X
and wondered Y?

 America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the
ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That's your common sense leaving your body.

 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish?

 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

 I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on
her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

 Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

 You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple
of payments.

 I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do
they just give you an underwire undergarment and say, “Here, fill this out?”;

 I can’t understand why women are okay with the fact that JC Penny has an older
women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”;

 My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. I’m pretty sure he was hitting on me.

 My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried
about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

 Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If
you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

 The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure
she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house
you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely
out of tattoos.

 Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

 The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.
The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

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