Thursday, October 26, 2017

A MAN AND HIS WIFE

THIS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN A MAN AND HIS WIFE. PLEASE NOTE THAT SHE ASKS FIVE OR SIX QUESTIONS WHICH HE ANSWERED QUITE SIMPLY, BUT THEN SHE IS SPEECHLESS AFTER ANSWERING ONLY ONE QUESTION.
WOMAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
MAN: YES
WOMAN: HOW MANY BEERS A DAY?
MAN: USUALLY ABOUT THREE
WOMAN: HOW MUCH DO YOU PAY PER BEER?
MAN: $5.00 WHICH INCLUDES A TIP (THIS IS WHERE IT GETS SCARY!)
WOMAN: AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
MAN: ABOUT 20 YEARS, I SUPPOSE
WOMAN: SO A BEER COSTS $5 AND YOU HAVE THREE BEERS A DAY WHICH PUTS YOUR SPENDING EACH MONTH AT $450. IN ONE YEAR, IT WOULD BE APPROXIMATELY
$5400 CORRECT?
MAN: CORRECT
WOMAN: IF IN 1 YEAR YOU SPEND $5400, NOT ACCOUNTING FOR INFLATION, THE
PAST 20 YEARS PUTS YOUR SPENDING AT $108,000 CORRECT?
MAN: CORRECT
WOMAN: DO YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DIDN'T DRINK SO MUCH BEER, THAT MONEY
COULD HAVE BEEN PUT IN A STEP-UP INTEREST SAVINGS ACCOUNT AND AFTER ACCOUNTING FOR COMPOUND INTEREST FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, YOUCOULD HAVE NOW BOUGHT AN AIRPLANE?
  
MAN: DO YOU DRINK BEER?
WOMAN: NO.
MAN: WHERE IS YOUR AIRPLANE?

Friday, October 20, 2017

A COUPLE MORE GEEZER JOKES

A man  was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'  'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'  'Twelve thirty.'  


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.  A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'  Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' 
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
  

Sunday, October 15, 2017

HOSPITAL REGULATIONS

Hospital regulations  require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he  didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

AN ELDERLY COUPLE

An elderly couple  had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.  The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'  The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'  The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'  'Do you mean a rose?' 
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
  

Saturday, October 7, 2017

COUPLE IN THEIR NINETIES

Couple in their nineties  are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember  ..
 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.  
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
  
'Sure.'
  
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
  
'No, I can remember it.'
  
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
  
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
  
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
  
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
  
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 
 
'Where's my toast?' 

Monday, October 2, 2017

OLD MAN WALKING

Two medical students were walking along the street when they
saw  an old  man walking with his legs spread apart.  He was
stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm  sure the poor old man
has Petry Syndrome.  Those people walk just like that.'

The other student says: 'No, I don't think so.  The old man surely
has Zovitzki Syndrome.  He walks slowly and his legs are apart
just as we learned in class.'

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him:
'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way
you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you   might
have.  Could you tell us what it is?'

The old man said:  'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what
you two fine medical students think.'

One of the students said:  'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'

The old man said:  'You thought....... But you are wrong.'

Then the other student said:  'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.'

The old man said: 'You thought........ But you are wrong.

So they asked him:  'Well, old timer, what do you have?'

The old man said: 'I thought it was GAS......... But I was wrong!