Friday, December 15, 2017

THEATER SEATS FOR SENIORS

 An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the
movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager.

Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with
no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy
what's your name?"

"Joe," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Joe?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Joe replied...

"The balcony.”

Sunday, December 10, 2017

A LATE HAPPY THANKSGIVING

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. 

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. 

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. 

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. 

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?" 



HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

TWELVE SHORT STORIES

These twelve short stories are all very good stories and make us think twice about the daily happenings in our lives as we deal with others!!
1. Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I'm   working on for my Psychology class.  When I asked her to define success in   her own words, she said;
"Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile."
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2.  Today, I asked my mentor - a very successful business man in his 70s-  what his top 3 tips are for success.  He smiled and said;
"Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do
  something no one else is doing."
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3.   Today, after my 72 hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me  at the grocery store and gave me a hug.  When I tensed up, she realized I   didn't recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most  sincere smile and said;
"On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center."
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4.  Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side   of the road holding him and crying.  And just before he died;
he licked the tears off my face.
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5.  Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so   I went into work. At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat   tire.  When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too.
A man in   a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job.
I start tomorrow.
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6.  Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my   mother's hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died. 
She simply said, "I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often."
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7. Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small   hospital bed. About 5 seconds after he Passed,
I realized it was the first  time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.
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8.  Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start   recycling. I chuckled and asked, "Why?" She replied, "So you can help me   save the planet." I chuckled again and asked, "And why do you want to save   the planet?"
Because that's where I keep all my stuff," she said.
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9. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing   hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter's antics, I suddenly realized that,
I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.
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10.  Today, a boy in a wheelchair  saw me desperately struggling on crutches  with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me.   He   helped me all the  way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said,
"I hope you feel better soon."
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11.   Today, I was feeling down because the results of a biopsy came back  malignant. When I got home, I opened an e-mail that said, "Thinking of you  today. If you need me, I'm a phone call away."
It was from a high school   friend I hadn't seen in 10 years.
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12.   Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe.  He  said he hadn't eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and  unhealthy.  Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was Eating.
The first thing the man said was, "We can share it.
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The best sermons are lived, not preached.