Tuesday, April 24, 2018

WISDOM MAKES YOU SMILE

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.


- Mark Twain


<><>


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; 
and to have the two as close together as possible.



<><>


Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.


- Victor Borge


<><>


Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.


- Mark Twain


<><>


By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.


- Socrates
 
<><>


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech  Every now and then she stops to breathe.


- Jimmy Durante


<><>


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.


- Zsa Zsa Gabor


<><>


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.


- Rodney Dangerfield


<><>


Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.



  


<><>


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.


- W. C. Fields


<><>


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.


- Will Rogers


<><>


Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.






And the cardiologist's diet:  if it tastes good spit it out.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

THIS IS A KEEPER

I just received this from an old friend and am passing it along ----
THIS IS A KEEPER
I grew up with practical parents. A mother, God love her, who washed
aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the
original recycle queen before they had a name for it. A father who was
happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.
Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends
lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee
shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and
dishtowel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain
rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a
dress. Things we keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me
crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be
wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew
there'd always be more.
But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the
warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning
that sometimes there isn't any more.
Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away
never to return. So ... While we have it ... it's best we love it
...And care for it ... And fix it when it's broken ... And heal it
when it's sick.
This is true. For marriage ... And old cars ... And children with bad
report cards ... And dogs with bad hips ... And aging parents ... And
grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are
worth it.
Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate
we grew up with.
There are just some things that make life important, like people
we know who are special ... And so, we keep them close!
I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've Sent
it to the people I think of in the same way ... Now it's your turn to
send this to those people that are "keepers" in your life. Good
friends are like stars ... You don't always see them, but you know
they are always there. Keep them close!

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

INTERESTING QUESTIONS

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby"
When babies wake up like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway¦
You cannot legalize morality. It's internal not external. You either have it or you don’t.
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,why is there a stupid song about him?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?  They're both dogs!
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are  nearly dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up , examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE.........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Now--Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. ~~~

Thursday, April 5, 2018

GOD SENT A LETTER

A letter from the Post Office... this is absolutely the best!!
We don't know who replied, but there is a beautiful soul working in the dead letter department who understands
LOVE..........................


 

Our 14-year-old dog Abbey died last month.

The day after she passed away my 4-year-old daughter Meredith was
crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey.

She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to
heaven, God would recognize her.

I told her that I thought that we could, so she dictated these words:

Dear God,
Will you please take care of my dog?
Abbey died yesterday and is with you in heaven.
I miss her very much.

I 'm happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick.

I hope you will play with her.
She likes to swim and play with balls.

I am sending a picture of her so when you see her you will know that she is my dog.

I really miss her.
Love, Meredith


We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey & Meredith,
addressed it to God/Heaven.

We put our return address on it.

Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she
said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven.
That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office.

A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet.
I told her that I thought He had.

Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch
addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand.

Meredith opened it.
Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.'

Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God
in its opened envelope.

On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note:


Dear Meredith,

Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help and I
recognized her right away.

Abbey isn't sick anymore.
Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart.

Abbey loved being your dog.

Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to
keep your picture in so I'm sending it back to you in this little book for
you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.

Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you
write it and sending it to me.

What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.

By the way, I'm easy to find.
I am wherever there is love.

Love,
God

Thursday, March 29, 2018

LOOKING OLD

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.   


MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
  

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50-ODD YEARS AGO.  

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?  

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.  

THIS BALDING, OVER-WEIGHT, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.  
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
  

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.  
   'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.   

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1965 ... WHY DO YOU ASK?'  

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.  

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.  
THEN, THAT UGLY,
  OLD,  BALD,  

WRINKLED FACED,  FAT-ASSED,  

GRAY-HAIRED,  DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH  ASKED,  
​ "​"
WHAT DID YOU TEACH? 
"​

Sunday, March 25, 2018

A VERY CRANKY WOMAN

A very cranky woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery 
store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard 
to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything 
and everyone throughout the process. 

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from 
the store. 

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches." 

The judge then asked why she had done it. 

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." 

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. 

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?" 

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in 
jail -- one day for each peach." 

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his 
hand slowly and asked if he might speak. 

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?" 

The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas."