Thursday, March 29, 2018

LOOKING OLD

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.   


MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
  

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50-ODD YEARS AGO.  

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?  

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.  

THIS BALDING, OVER-WEIGHT, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.  
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
  

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.  
   'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.   

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1965 ... WHY DO YOU ASK?'  

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.  

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.  
THEN, THAT UGLY,
  OLD,  BALD,  

WRINKLED FACED,  FAT-ASSED,  

GRAY-HAIRED,  DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH  ASKED,  
​ "​"
WHAT DID YOU TEACH? 
"​

Sunday, March 25, 2018

A VERY CRANKY WOMAN

A very cranky woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery 
store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard 
to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything 
and everyone throughout the process. 

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from 
the store. 

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches." 

The judge then asked why she had done it. 

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." 

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. 

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?" 

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in 
jail -- one day for each peach." 

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his 
hand slowly and asked if he might speak. 

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?" 

The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas."

Thursday, March 15, 2018

KINDA CUTE STUFF

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
 
Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life obviously sucks!
 
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.  I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
 
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
 
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named “ Sag Harbor .”
 
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
 
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

A POEM ABOUT LIFE

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches..
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And wile the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.

That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damned old!

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

TIME IS LIKE A RIVER

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at apauper'scemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and thehearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Thursday, March 1, 2018

DISORDER IN THE COURT

How do court stenographers keep a straight face? 
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the
exchanges were taking place.
 _______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s --- ing me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town
, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law